How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
Years ago, my wife and I were involved in the swinger lifestyle. Because of professional obligations, and a close friend having both worlds almost collide, we decided it best to step away for a while. Fast forward to 2012, I started having problems with erectile dysfunction. It was not only frustrating for me, but also my wife. I kept trying to convince her to find someone to sleep with or to go to lifestyle parties so that she could play. She continued to say no, that she didn’t want to go play when I wasn’t able to.
Over the years, I tried everything I could think of: pills, pumps, rings, even shots. Nothing worked. In February of this year, I bit the bullet and got an implant. Everything is healed now, and I have followed all of the doctor’s orders for a successful result. After all of this, my wife still won’t do anything with me. She teases and acts like she will, and when I start getting frisky, she backs off. I know that she’s not seeing anyone else. Being that we are both retired, the amount of time that we spend together leaves no time for her to hook up with anyone else. I just don’t get it.
—Pumped and Frustrated
Dear Pumped,
The only way to find out what’s going on with your wife is to have a conversation—or maybe a few. You’ve been married for quite some time, so I assume that you know how to choose a good moment to approach your wife about something that might be stressful or difficult. Approach from a place of curiosity, and lead with the love you have for her.
Start by expressing appreciation for a couple of aspects of your relationship that really work for you. Tell her that you’d like to begin having a sexual relationship again, but you want to know how she’s feeling about that possibility. Then listen, and ask for clarification if there’s anything you don’t understand. If things start getting tense or unproductive, table the discussion until the next good moment. You’ve got this.
Please keep questions short (
Dear How to Do It,
I have genital herpes. I know not to have sex when having a breakout. But how do I tell a new potential partner that I have herpes?
—I Never Thought This Would Be a Problem
Dear Never,
My first piece of advice is to let go of any hope you might have about being able to control the outcome of a conversation about herpes. Although herpes simplex virus 1 and 2 (the first mainly causes oral herpes, and the second mainly causes genital herpes) are incredibly common, many people still react strongly. Yes, even people who may have herpes themselves but don’t know it due to never having an outbreak. Further complicating matters is the relatively high rate of false positives for genital herpes tests in comparison to other STI testing, which sometimes dissuades people from undergoing screening.
One thing you can do to set yourself up for success is to demonstrate, through action, your commitment to responsibility. This looks like following your treatment plan (for example, taking viral suppressant medication every day if your case calls for it), and, more broadly, taking care of your sexual health—meaning getting the HPV vaccine if you qualify, and getting screened for other sexually transmitted infections with reasonable regularity. Additionally, while barriers won’t prevent all transmission of the virus, they do reduce the risk, so use them (during oral sex, too).
Because people can be sensitive about herpes, I recommend disclosing before the first kiss. Because you don’t want to seem presumptive, wait to bring it up until you’re pretty sure kissing is an option. Your potential partner might have things they need to disclose as well so broach a conversation about sexual health in general. You might say something like, “Before we go any further, we should talk about sexual health.”
The way you present the facts can sometimes affect the way other people interpret them, so state the situation evenly and calmly. “I have genital herpes. I take medication every day [or whatever is relevant to your treatment] to reduce the chance of outbreaks and transmission. I don’t have sex during outbreaks and I use condoms.” Give them space to process this and then respond or ask questions. Be prepared for some people to decide they don’t want to move forward, and know that there are others out there who either have herpes themselves or realize that their chances of being exposed are quite high regardless and won’t be fazed.
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Dear How to Do It,
My partner and I have been together for over four years and live together. We have a healthy, loving relationship and are great friends. We have planned our future together and both seem to feel like we’ve met “the one.” But I don’t like having sex with him, and never really have. He’s a good looking guy and I’m attracted to him, but something isn’t there for me that was with the partners I had before him.
We both acknowledge that two young people who are into each other like us should be going at it like rabbits. Instead, we have a lot of dry spells and I almost never initiate because it feels like work. When we don’t have sex frequently, I can see how his self-esteem suffers. When we do, I’m faking pleasure 90 percent of the time to protect his self-esteem. When we first started dating, my friends suggested I move on because we lacked such an important chemistry. But he’s otherwise amazing! What do people do when they’re in love with no lust? He is not the experimental type, so my ideas have fallen flat so far. I’m worried about how this will hurt our relationship if things don’t change.
—Desperate Lover
Dear Desperate Lover,
Sex feels like work. You’re faking pleasure. It’s one thing to be in a relationship that has no lust, but it’s another to be having sex you aren’t enjoying, and—even worse—pretending that you are enjoying. Why are you doing this to yourself? What does “the one” mean to you, and why are you sure you’ve found it in this scenario? You don’t say how old you are, but you do describe yourself as “young”—why are you so ready to settle for this situation?
Have a big talk where you let him know that you need more. Do it gently, but be clear about this and what’s at stake. And please, do it now, before your lives become any more entwined than they are. Ask him to collaborate with you on possible ways forward. If he’s not willing to try to solve this, you have to weigh whether you’ll be OK in a relationship with no chemistry, spark, or lust.
—Jessica
More Advice From Slate
My husband (33) and I (29) have had an open relationship since we started dating. We married very young and lived in separate cities for the first few years of our relationship as we went to different colleges. We agreed that we would get approval from the other over all our sexual partners beforehand. When we started living with each other, we never rescinded this openness but there was no need for it. However, after many years I have been contacted by a man, Dave, whom I went to school with and whom I slept with without my husband’s consent, under the guise of sleeping with my friend’s brother, Mike.
