How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I am 43 and have been married for eight years to my wonderful husband. We have two beautiful children. I was just diagnosed with Parkinson’s and have started the typical carbidopa/levidopa treatment, with good results. My libido is back!
After watching it slowly shut down over the past 10 years, this is most welcome. However, somehow, two months into treatment, I woke up no longer feeling monogamous. This is not unheard-of with Parkinson’s, but unlike a new craving for french fries, this craving has severe societal and marital implications. My doctors and husband are aware this is happening; I’m not hiding or keeping secrets, and we’re adjusting other medications to see if that helps. But what if it doesn’t? My husband identifies as monogamous. How do we handle this?
—Suddenly Scandalous
Dear Suddenly Scandalous,
In the short term, patience is your best bet. This shift in your relationship-style orientation might be temporary, and if it passes, then your problem goes with it.
If it doesn’t, you have an array of potential options. To find out which ones are feasible, you and your husband will need to each consider what you’re open to and where you’re able to compromise. On your end, a great start would be leaning into what “no longer feeling monogamous” means. Are you fantasizing about other people? Is there something about those other people that your husband might be able to replicate in a role-play scenario? Can the two of you, as a fantasy during sex, make up stories about your being with other people within an agreement that none of those words will turn into action? Do you simply want sex with strangers, or do you yearn to have full romantic relationships with multiple partners? Get an idea of what you’re wanting, then have an initial talk with your husband.
It’ll help to start by confirming your commitment to him and stressing that any decisions are mutual and his comfort and boundaries are as crucial to these talks as your desires are. Go slowly. If the emotional temperature rises, take a break or table the talk for a different day. Lead with your love and respect for each other, and you’re most likely to figure out a solution that works well enough for everyone involved. Meanwhile, it’s worth asking your doctors whether there are any other patients who have experienced something similar whom you could talk to or support groups you can join—the power of peer support is truly immense.
—Jessica
More Advice From Slate
I’m a 68-year-old male. All my life, it’s taken me a looooong time to climax. There have been lots of times that my wife has told me to “finish already.” As I’ve gotten older, it has started taking even longer. When I masturbate, which is not often, it takes me over 30 minutes, if I finish at all. (I often just give up.) When my wife and I have sex, I have to fake a climax because I no longer have the strength to have sex to completion.
