Dear Prudence,
I’ve been in a relationship with my wonderful partner “B” for six months. They haven’t met my friends yet, mainly due to scheduling conflicts, living a bit far apart, and college consuming most of our time. I am trying to plan a gathering for us all, but that hasn’t happened yet. In addition, B is dealing with a severe depressive episode. They have a support team, but things have been tough. I’m wondering a) how much I should share with my friends and b) if it’s crucial to ask B what I can share, how should I go about asking without being insensitive?
On one hand, I want to respect B’s privacy, so I’ve told friends that they’re busy and dealing with some mental health challenges, but only in general terms. On the other hand, my therapist suggested that I lean on my support network, especially since this has been quite difficult for me too—though not as much as for B. Since they haven’t met B yet, I’m concerned about sharing information that might not be mine to tell, and I worry it might color their first impressions. Plus, I fear that even asking B what I can disclose might send them into a bad spiral about how their struggles affect me, which has happened before, leading them to suggest I should leave them. I’m also anxious that this could make B feel awkward around my friends when we finally meet.
Again, B has professional support, but things are very rough right now, and nothing seems to help. I genuinely love B and want them to find peace, and I know they want that too. We’re both doing our best. I’d appreciate any advice!
—What to Say?
Jenée Desmond-Harris: I really respect this writer for trying to navigate a complex situation—it’s something I might overlook. Personally, after just six months with someone, I tend to share a lot with my friends, given that I see them as a lasting part of my life. While that might not be the right approach, it feels natural to me.
Lizzie O’Leary: Yes, definitely! I also want to commend the letter writer for their considerate nature. I think I might have already confided a lot in friends by now. It’s a tricky balance to find, though, between needing support and not skewing your friends’ opinions of someone they haven’t met yet.
Jenée: Upon rereading the letter, what stands out is the writer’s anxiety about privacy, but also their need to control the situation. They want to ensure their friends like B and don’t make B uncomfortable discussing their mental health. But, as hard as it is, sometimes you just have to let go of that control. Relationships and circumstances can shift for various reasons—sometimes they will go well, and sometimes they won’t. If disclosing that B is struggling leads to problems, then maybe that’s a sign that something isn’t quite right.
Lizzie: I can relate. Having dealt with depression myself and having dated others with similar struggles, I believe the writer can share with friends without needing explicit approval. They don’t have to get into every detail about B’s struggles, but it’s perfectly fine to explain that they’re having a tough time and the impact it has on their life. After all, friendships are built for support during hard times. It’s also worth noting that there’s a broader societal understanding surrounding mental health these days, so their friends will likely grasp the situation. Plus, friends will form their own opinions over time, regardless of what is initially shared.
Jenée: The more I think about it, the more I feel the writer should just arrange a casual brunch and open up about what’s going on in her life. It might be as simple as saying, “B has been going through depression, and it’s been tough for me.” They don’t have to disclose everything, but if a therapist is encouraging the writer to lean on her friends, then she should certainly do so without feeling the need to censor the situation too heavily.
Lizzie: Absolutely! Sounds good!
