How to Do It is a sex advice column.Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’ve been with my boyfriend, Kevin, for a year and a half, and honestly, he ticks all the boxes for me as a partner. Recently, I learned from his sister that he’s been eyeing engagement rings, so a proposal seems imminent. But there’s something nagging at me regarding this whole future together.
When Kevin was in college, he had quite a busy romantic life—over 300 encounters, to be exact. I’m not bothered by his past relationships, but I can’t shake the (perhaps valid) worry that we could end up married, only to discover some hidden child or a woman suddenly asking for child support. Given his past, should I really be concerned about this, especially with a proposal coming?
—Uncertain About the Future
Dear Uncertain About the Future,
You know, it’s not uncommon for surprises like this to arise with someone who hasn’t been celibate before marriage. Considering Kevin’s many past encounters, your concern makes sense. One key aspect you might want to find out is whether he used protection during all those interactions. Sure, condoms and other birth control aren’t foolproof, but they certainly lower the risk of an unexpected pregnancy. It’s also a good idea to consider if he followed up with partners in case of any mishaps during those encounters. If he had relationships without taking precautions, that’s a different story than if he was responsible. It’s crucial to gather this kind of information to gauge his risk of having an unknown child.
Still, marrying someone is deeply personal, and it’s essential to listen to your feelings, including your anxieties. If this concern is present, do some introspection. What lies beneath your discomfort? Is it a lingering sense of accountability regarding Kevin’s past actions? Or do you have strict views on family structure that could complicate things? Are you fundamentally opposed to children, or would you be okay managing relationships with potential offspring that could surface later?
Additionally, having a conversation with him about this concern can be quite telling. If you find yourself thinking, “I can’t talk to him about this,” that could be a red flag to reconsider the proposal. On the flip side, if you both can navigate this topic openly, it could lead to a deeper understanding and perhaps ease your worries.
—Jessica
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