Dear Prudence

I’m a 30-year-old newlywed living in a city where I wasn’t raised or educated. Most of my friends here are couples, as my husband knew the man from his college days. I have two close friends, both of whom I met five years ago—when I was single. One has now partnered up, so we often go on double dates.

The other friend, let’s call her “Kylie” (34), is single and feeling a bit left out as her friends settle down. She expresses her unhappiness, not because she wants a partner herself, but because she feels her friends are less available. Since my wedding, which was less than a year ago, Kylie has been quite overwhelming. She frequently invites me out on weeknights for dinner, networking events, plays, concerts, sporting events—pretty much anything. I usually decline. I work in the city but live in the suburbs, and honestly, I’d rather not go back after I’ve walked my dog.

It’s not feasible to meet her in the city; my work hours are from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., and she works until at least 6. Plus, I enjoy spending my evenings with my husband and dog unless there’s a special occasion. Kylie seems frustrated with my repeated refusals, telling me that I need to “get a life.” She complains about hardly seeing me, even though we manage to get together one or two weekends a month. She reacts negatively when I go out with other friends, often asking why she wasn’t included. I’m unsure how to respond without hurting her feelings; I try explaining that not every friend has to be invited all the time, which she finds “offensive.” Maybe it is, but communicating that feels difficult.

It also bothers her that I’ve stopped accepting financial help from my parents, who offered me money with no strings attached. I felt that relying on them made me seem immature, so I started budgeting more carefully. Kylie doesn’t believe me when I say I can’t afford the same luxuries anymore; she knows I could have more funds if I chose to. We bonded over our love for food, and now I can’t dine out at fancy places as frequently. I feel a sense of accomplishment living independently, and my husband and I keep our finances mostly separate for now, planning to reevaluate once we buy a house and have kids in a couple of years. I earn a decent income, but her salary is nearly double mine.

Kylie is a good friend who would never mean to hurt anyone, but I sometimes want to say, “I do have a life!” I take care of my husband and dog, go to work, meet friends on weekends, participate in my community, and travel both internationally and domestically. I find it a bit sad that she constantly pressures me to go out. I would love some advice on how to encourage her to ease up without causing offense.

—Weeknight Couch Potato

Dear Weeknight Couch Potato,

A good friendship requires both enthusiasm for the relationship and respect for each person’s choices. It seems Kylie excels at being excited about your friendship, but struggles to respect your current situation. Her unwillingness to acknowledge your preferences might be making you less enthusiastic about hanging out.

Change can be uncomfortable—for anyone who’s experienced a friend group shifting as some pair off while others remain single. It often leads to one group longing for the past while others adjust to new dynamics, which I think is common. I usually advise friends like Kylie to embrace the evolving nature of friendships. It can be tempting to think that frequent outings define a great friendship. While that’s a fun approach, people can still stay close even if their activities change.

It’s also okay to explore new ways to connect. One of my friends and I spent an entire year talking about her work troubles while I walked my baby. I still remember every detail she shared—even the names of her boss and partner—and it brought us closer.

Another friend stayed with me while I was hospitalized, and we found humor in some frustrating situations. We didn’t get out much, but our bond has remained strong. There are countless ways to maintain friendships beyond dining out—like calling or planning quick catch-ups. It might help Kylie to see that friendships can adapt and still be fulfilling.

I wish Kylie could view new ways of spending time together instead of pressuring you to abandon your responsibilities. Your life has changed, but hers hasn’t, and it understandably creates tension. Maybe you could suggest a regular date when she can count on you visiting the city, along with inviting her to join you for brunch at your place. Finding a balance to accommodate both of your needs could help.

That said, you can’t force her to change. If she persists with her demands, you might need to re-evaluate this friendship, which, unfortunately, might not be as adaptable as you’d hoped.

—Prudence