Every day, millions of Americans take walks. Some head to the kitchen, some to the bathroom, and many find themselves returning to the kitchen after forgetting their purpose. Then there are those who venture outside for a brisk walk around the block, seeking a bit of exercise.
I appreciate a good walk as well. But after coming across the latest walking technique, I can’t help but wonder: have we all been doing it wrong?
Coming soon—by next spring, it seems—we’ll be introduced to Scandinavian Sitting Down, a Nordic concept where you simply sit when your legs get fatigued.
Interestingly, researchers in Japan suggest that switching between slower and faster walking could boost aerobic fitness, enhance leg strength, and improve blood pressure better than maintaining a constant pace. This has sparked a new trend gaining traction in the West. It’s called Japanese walking and involves alternating three minutes of relaxed walking with three minutes of brisk walking, repeating the cycle for roughly half an hour.
Formally, it’s referred to as Interval Walking Training, which definitely sounds more impressive than just “speeding up your walk a little.”
The saber-tooth protocol
Humans have weathered famines, plagues, and wars without a digital timer dictating when to walk fast or slow. Nowadays, millions of adults in America and elsewhere subscribe to devices that instruct them to speed up for exactly three minutes. Our ancestors sped up to escape saber-toothed tigers and slowed down when the threat was gone—they called that survival.
This ridiculousness stretches beyond just walking. Much of the self-improvement market thrives on dressing up ordinary human activities in fancy terms and marketing them as life-changing insights.
If you eat smaller portions, you’re not just moderating your diet; you’re practicing the sophisticated art of portion control. Missing breakfast due to sleeping through your alarm? That’s called intermittent fasting. And if you doze off on the couch on a lazy Sunday, you’re not simply napping; you’re engaging in a technique called Non-Sleep Deep Rest.
This urge to rebrand even the simplest tasks likely stems from a wide-ranging cultural insecurity. In our society, people tend to distrust anything that doesn’t come with a manual or a monthly fee.
Linguistic inflation
When someone walks outside to admire an oak tree, they’re engaging in “forest bathing.” Opting for the stairs instead of the elevator? That’s “incidental exercise.” Drinking a couple of glasses of water when you’re thirsty has been escalated to a hydration protocol, complete with motivational quotes on the water jug to help maximize fluid retention at a cellular level.
Going to bed at 10 p.m. used to be ordinary; now it’s termed sleep hygiene. And of course, ensuring a good night’s sleep now requires special glasses to block blue light, a weighted blanket, and a hefty supply of magnesium.
Sitting by a window in the morning? That’s circadian activation. Taking a brief break from the computer? You’re practicing intentional recovery.
Back in the 1920s, if a worker needed a break, they’d simply sit on a crate and enjoy a smoke. Fast forward a century, and an office worker hires a professional consultant to instruct them on breathing exercises, which involve inhaling through the nose and exhaling through the mouth.
This inflated language is getting out of hand. Sitting in a chair without scrolling on your phone for a few moments qualifies as mindfulness. Scribbling about your bothersome boss and even more bothersome neighbor in a notebook? That’s journaling. Drinking a mug of black coffee before heading out for a jog could be labeled pre-workout supplementation.
Vacuuming your living room and lugging laundry baskets downstairs? That’s functional fitness. Tossing a ball around with your child in the backyard? That’s active family bonding. Jumping into some cold water? That’s aquatic cardiovascular conditioning. Just zoning out for ten minutes? Oh, that’s dopamine detoxing.
Wellness wordsmiths
Some influencers have built lucrative online businesses by merely flipping through a dictionary, swapping everyday words for those that sound more clinical.
The aim? To make you feel incapable of merely existing. If breathing, sleeping, and walking all require a life coach and a pricey online course, then surely you must be incapable without their guidance.
Things appear to be getting increasingly absurd, and it’s likely they will continue to do so. By next spring, be on the lookout for Scandinavian Sitting Down, where you sit down when tired. By autumn, wellness retreats will likely charge hefty fees for teaching corporate teams the ancient skill of Korean Going to Bed, simply meaning lying down in a dark room until you fall asleep.
The answer to this absurdity is refreshingly straightforward and, best of all, free. Ditch the stopwatch. Forget about tracking apps. Skip the online hucksters. Just go outside. Walk at your own pace, and keep moving until you feel like stopping.
