Care and Feeding is a parenting advice column.Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My father, who is 67, has been battling a rare cancer since 2017. I won’t dive too deep into the details of his surgeries and treatments, but it’s been quite the rollercoaster. Until recently, he was managing fairly well and enjoying activities with his grandchildren. Now, he’s lost a lot of weight, feels weaker, and constantly needs rest. There aren’t more treatment options available, and I worry he doesn’t have much time left. My mother, his primary caregiver, is emotionally drained as well. My question revolves around addressing this situation with my son, Freddie, who just turned 4. Because my dad has been relatively active when we visit (we live a few hours away), I’ve never explained to Freddie that his grandpa is unwell. It felt too complex for such a young child.
How do you get a young child ready for the loss of a grandparent? Should I even bring it up now? We haven’t really had a conversation about death before, beyond observing roadkill or squished bugs. I don’t want to mention it too early because I believe it might take away from the moments they share together, not to mention it could upset my dad.
But would waiting make it harder? Freddie is very sociable, articulate, and sharp, so I fear that if I talk to him about it, he might mention it around grandma and grandpa. I’m also trying to come to terms with potentially losing my dad, which feels like a heavy burden, especially since the diagnosis felt dire almost a decade ago.
—Preparing for the Passing
Dear Preparing,
You’re doing well, and I believe you should trust your instincts. It sounds like it was wise not to discuss your dad’s illness with Freddie, and putting it off a bit longer seems best. A child who remains unaware during such a tough time is a gift, both for you and your dad.
Eventually, Freddie will likely notice something is amiss, and then it might be easier to explain things. If your dad’s health follows the typical path for someone with terminal cancer, his energy will continue to wane, potentially resulting in fewer outings. During video calls or visits, you can gently address these changes. Be straightforward: “We’re going to visit grandpa, but he’ll be in bed because he’s very sick.”
It isn’t necessary to tell Freddie about his grandfather’s impending death just yet—wait until it’s absolutely needed. While you’re understandably anxious about “preparing” him, even adults find it challenging to come to terms with the loss of loved ones. Even in hospice, timelines can be unpredictable; it could take weeks or even months. So, if possible, shield your son from that uncertainty.
When the time comes, use simple language to explain: “Grandpa has died, which means we can’t see or talk to him anymore, but we can remember him and look at pictures.” Allowing yourself to feel sadness alongside him is important, and there will naturally be many questions. Be as honest as you can, and it’s okay to admit when you don’t have answers.
It might really help to read about how others have navigated such conversations. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach. You may also discover phrases that resonate or work for you. Resources like this Reddit thread and this Cup of Jo post can be particularly insightful. Additionally, past articles from our columnists like Allison Price, Nicole Cliffe, and Carvell Wallace have tackled these subjects too. Best of luck, you’re doing a commendable job under difficult circumstances.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 3-year-old son is currently in a phase where he insists on not wearing clothes. Mornings are a struggle, as I have to dress him quickly to get him to daycare; if I turn my back for a second, he strips down completely. While the daycare has tried to keep him clothed, the moment they relax their watchful eye, he’s back to his birthday suit. They’ve warned that if this persists, he might not be able to return. My husband believes exposing him to the cold will help him understand the need for clothes. I’m against the idea; I wouldn’t want to risk him getting cold just to prove a point.
—Mom of a Little Nudist
Dear Mom,
Your husband’s approach has some merits regarding natural consequences but ultimately isn’t a good idea. We don’t wear clothes solely for warmth; it’s a societal norm, especially in places like daycares. Plus, kids have varying tolerances to temperature; he could be fine being naked outside, or he could catch cold. Either way, letting him go out unclothed isn’t advisable.
Since you have a time constraint from the daycare, I suggest addressing the clothing issue directly by finding outfits he can’t easily remove—one-piece pajamas worn backward could be effective. Ensure they’re comfortable, breathable, and tag-free to rule out discomfort as a reason for his nudity. (Look for those labeled as “sensory friendly.”) You might need to try different options, but I think this phase will pass. Good luck!
—Logan
More Parenting Advice From Slate
Is it possible to take too many pictures of your kids? My husband, who is dedicated to being a great dad, is obsessed with capturing moments of our daughter, who is 3. He photographs her constantly—at least 10 pictures daily, more if something special happens. He has extensive video recordings of her singing, summarizing each day’s adventures.
