Dear Prudence,
My husband struggles with anxiety and OCD that primarily revolve around health issues. For him, minor ailments are often interpreted as serious conditions. He’s on medication, which appears to provide some relief, but I can’t shake the feeling that he might benefit from a higher dosage. This issue manifests frequently; at least four times a year, he becomes convinced he has an STI based on minor symptoms, like a dry skin patch or a bruise. When he brings it up, I generally just ask if he’s had other sexual partners, and when he says no, I insist he has no reason to worry, per his doctor’s guidance.
However, this last episode feels different.
A week after he returned from a work trip, he noticed a patch of eczema and mentioned his concerns. I responded with my usual reassurance, but soon after, he decided to contact his doctor for blood tests about STIs. I thought that was overkill, but ultimately, the tests came back negative, and he returned to his previous state of mind.
But now, I’m left fearing he might have cheated during that trip. Typically, he doesn’t need more than a simple assurance from me to ease his worries about STIs. I’ve never suspected him of infidelity before, but this time felt different. He went out with colleagues and drank heavily one night. Usually, he would call me while getting ready for bed or in the morning, but instead, he just texted to say he was out and later mentioned he had a rough night. How do I bring this up without him dismissing it as just his OCD acting up? I feel like I constantly support him with his struggles, yet now that I have a valid concern, it might get overlooked.
—Now I’m Anxious
Jenée Desmond-Harris: Initially, I misread this as being about a brother—I’m not sure where that came from. Now, though, given the context, it’s pretty clear this is a personal matter. It’s definitely within her rights to be concerned.
Lizzie O’Leary: I find the underlying lack of trust quite surprising. While mental illness can explain much, repeatedly questioning a partner about infidelity is concerning. That’s where I think they need to start addressing the issue.
Jenée: Right, if irrational thoughts about STIs are running wild, why not go all in and imagine that they came from something outlandish like a toilet seat?
I agree that the issue of trust is paramount. The letter writer needs to set aside her husband’s mental health background and focus on the crux: She suspects cheating and feels he might cover it up. Instead of seeking reassurance from him, she should think about what these fears mean for the future of their marriage.
Should she consider investigating his digital footprint? I mean, relying on an uneasy feeling alone to make life-altering decisions is far from ideal.
Lizzie: I really think some couples counseling could be beneficial. Digital snooping just complicates everything. If she uncovers evidence of cheating that way, it tends to lead to more hurt feelings. It would be better for her to communicate her feelings directly, including her uncertainty about trusting him at this moment. This is painful, but if concerns of infidelity linger, they need to explore what that indicates about their relationship.
Jenée: I’m glad someone is being sensible here. Counseling could open doors to repair things, and perhaps lead to more personal growth and medication adjustments for him. This might alleviate some of those recurrent worries about STIs in their relationship.
Lizzie: Absolutely, repeated accusations stemming from innocent rashes do not create a healthy environment! The real issue isn’t just these one-time claims; it’s that their marriage urgently needs more foundation and support. Navigating mental illness together poses challenges, but it’s manageable with trust. Right now, though, it’s clearly fractured.
Jenée: Definitely agree.
Look, letter writer, I apologize for putting this on a therapist’s plate, but it truly seems like the best option. Let’s forget about any snooping thoughts. I genuinely hope your relationship finds a path toward more trust and fewer unexpected rashes.
