Please give me time
There’s no getting around it. You need to make time to be good friends. Professor of evolutionary psychology at Oxford University, Friends: Understanding the power of our most important relationships, maintaining healthy relationships with your closest network of friends requires you to spend the equivalent of 9 minutes a day, which he says is “just enough time to raise a coffee cup to each other.” I admit that. Realistic. If you don’t do that, Dunbar says, “friendships start to fall apart.”
become an initiator
Don’t be afraid to take charge in your social life, says author Max Dickins. Billy Nomates: How I realized men have friendship problems. “Be the person who sends a text message or organizes a pub get-together to bring people together for someone’s birthday. It takes effort and will, but it goes a long way.” When it comes to male relationships, someone He says it’s especially important for people to take on this role. A place to keep the entire social tent. ”
“Reviving old friendships is all about picking up the phone and saying, ‘Do you want to take a walk in the hills or go to dinner somewhere?'” says Dunbar. “A semi-social activity that provides an opportunity to engage in conversation in order to reboot.”
communication is key
If someone is insecure or not committed to the friendship, let them know, Dickins says. “Your friend may lack the awareness that he or she is not paying their fair share, or may not realize that you are hurt or annoyed by it.” This is easier said than done because we don’t communicate very honestly in our relationships.
“We don’t take friendships as seriously as romantic relationships, and we don’t have the same scripts,” Dickins says. He tells a story about a friend of his he was planning to meet over the weekend. Dickins sent a text message asking if he was still active, but his friend did not receive a response until Monday. “I had to tell him, ‘This is the third cancellation in a row and I’m pretty frustrated.'”
His friend was quite mortified.Therefore, “try to approach the conversation in a non-blaming way,” says clinical psychologist Miriam Kirmeyer. “Use this as an opportunity to reiterate your desire to stay connected and your willingness to make that happen.” She suggests saying things like: “We’ve noticed that we’re spending less time together and chatting less often. Is this something you’ve noticed too? We bring this up because our friendship is Because it’s very important to me. Can we talk about this and what’s going to happen?”
Kirmeyer recognizes the benefits of such openness. “One of the themes I think is that friendships where both parties prioritize open and transparent communication, as we often do in romantic relationships, are not only the most likely to survive, but also the most intimate and fulfilling. This means that there are many things that can happen.”
search Regular activities to do together
“For some people, especially as they get older and busier, there are high expectations for friendship,” says scholar and author Sheila Riming. Hangouts: The fundamental power of killing time. “So where we run into problems is when we feel like the time we spend with someone is wasted.” To avoid this, Limin says, “we don’t have small rituals with friends or frequent “Create interactions and don’t put a burden or expectation that everything has to be perfect in those interactions.” For her, this includes stopping by her friend’s house for coffee and catch-ups, and always showing that she’s open to this as well.
Host Nina Bazin Dear Nina: Conversations about Friendship Podcasts encourage regular entertainment with friends. “There’s a reason everyone plays pickleball. So much of being close involves spending time together, and scheduling that time can be difficult. If you already have something scheduled on your calendar, most of the hard work of staying connected has already been done. Dunbar points out that joining a choir was particularly positive for his friends, as singing together stimulates the release of endorphins. The same goes for running together.
give people a second chance
“There’s a lot of discomfort that comes with friendship,” Riming says. “The more you practice building relationships, the more you build up the stamina to deal with problems that get a little harder. One of my big beliefs is to give second chances. And 3 Because sometimes friendships require a second, fourth, fifth, sixth chance. Or maybe someone is having a bad day or going through a difficult time. , you feel ignored by someone you thought was a close friend. One of the best things you can do is let them know you’re still waiting for someone and hope they return to a better place. Wait till then.”
“Only humans are humans,” says author Susan Shapiro Barash. Toxic Friends: An Antidote for Women in Complicated Friendships“To mourn a lost or broken friendship. There are instances where someone reunites with an old friend and the friendship is revived. However, this is an event where there is forgiveness and the two friends ended their relationship.” Whatever it is, it will only happen if it can be overcome. If tensions are still building, there is less opportunity to move forward.”
Meet (and touch) IRL
“Don’t turn your real-life friends into online friends,” Bazin says. Maintaining friendships should ideally take place in person. Please try to visit as much as possible. “Long-distance friends should try to put a trip on their calendar or visit a friend’s home,” she says.
After newsletter promotion
“There is an in-person premium,” Dunbar said. “Technology can help maintain friendships, but nothing beats looking someone in the eye across the table and making physical contact.” This is the basis of social relationships in all primates. , he says, is always done during conversations. “The amount of body surface that is allowed to be touched during an interaction is directly correlated to the emotional intimacy of the relationship.”
to call
Long distance relationships can get especially stale. “Even if you’re a long-distance friend, you need to change the way you stay in touch,” Bazin says. “Pick up the phone and talk while you each run errands. Set up a FaceTime call. It doesn’t sound exciting or spontaneous, but if your friendship feels stale. , it’s usually because too much time passes regularly during your quality time together that you can’t get out of the same catch-all conversation.
“Voice notes are useful for quick updates, but they shouldn’t be relied on,” adds Badzin. “If you use it too much in place of phone calls, you can end up with endless voice notes, which can be a hassle to have deeper conversations.”
Make a schedule date night
‘Inject some romance into your friendship by having regular friend dates,’ says a relationship coach vicky pavitt. “You could also take turns wooing each other and think of ways to make the date special, like dressing up, choosing a different restaurant each time, or going to an art gallery together.” Let’s make it a celebration of friendship.
It’s important to make time to create new memories,” says Kirmeyer. “We try new activities, explore new places, and even plan vacations and festivals together. Our friendships thrive on newness and benefit from shared excitement and novelty.” I will receive it.”
Recognize that relationships change
The longest friendships experience significant change and change over the course of each person’s life, so it’s important to accept that friendships evolve too.
“Some moments we feel a little far away, and other moments we feel incredibly close,” Kirmayer said. “So it’s important to let go of the all-or-nothing mentality. Friendships are still worth holding on to, even if they no longer resemble their original form.”
when to recognize you are gone
“When a friendship gets old, it helps to ask yourself what kind of friendship it was,” says author Lydia Denworth. Friendship: The evolution, biology, and extraordinary power of life’s fundamental bonds..
“Not everyone will become lifelong friends, and that’s okay,” Denworth says. “People change, we grow apart, we lose what held us together. Some friends support us, others drain us. Try to keep the people who support you.”
