Men Engaging with the Menopause Conversation

Kurt Schaer initially thought that when his wife began experiencing hot flashes and night sweats, she should simply “suck it up.” He figured, “It can’t be that bad, really. You’re having a rough day; we all do.” His upbringing had instilled the belief that, while a husband should provide, a wife’s role was to manage the household and children, leaving little room for emotional support.

Having faced infidelity and the tragic loss of their teenage son, Kurt and his wife Denette found resilience as marriage coaches. However, witnessing Denette endure the symptoms of perimenopause—severe mood swings, forgetfulness, and crippling fatigue—made him fear losing her. “I needed to find compassion and empathy,” he recalled. “I wouldn’t want her to face this alone.”

In response, he lowered the thermostat in their home to a cool 69 degrees, arranged a series of fans for her side of the bed, and even bought a white noise machine to mask any distracting sounds from his breathing. He took on household chores—many he realized he should have managed all along—and educated himself about hormone therapy. “But the most important thing,” he added, “was that I listened.”

As younger generations of women redefine their approach to menopause, many of their partners are following suit. Podcasts once focused on fitness now delve into hormone discussions. Men are accompanying their wives to medical appointments, attending menopause retreats, and even engaging in social media conversations about their experiences. For instance, one husband humorously nicknamed his wife’s menopause symptoms “Agnes,” a reminder that while they’re part of her, they don’t define her entirely.

This shift represents a broader redefinition of masculinity. While some traditional notions persist—like the idea that a man’s role is to provide and maintain a stoic demeanor—there’s a growing understanding that emotional support helps strengthen relationships. Just as fathers in the ’90s learned to change diapers without losing their manliness, modern men are discovering that being emotionally present for their partners does not diminish their masculinity.

Bringing Men Into the Menopause Dialogue

Discussions around menopause aren’t just reserved for the doctor’s office. Tamsen Fadal, author of “How to Menopause,” accentuates the importance of including men in these conversations. Traditionally, menopause was a subject shrouded in secrecy, confined to clinical settings.

It’s more than just hot flashes. There’s the “menobelly,” irritability, and the worry of a dwindling sex drive, which can lead to feelings of shame for many women. “If we don’t involve men in this conversation, it can create tension,” Fadal warns.

Recent studies indicate a significant shift: nearly three-quarters of men now reportedly discuss menopause with their partners. Many of them actively consider treatment options together. Yet, these are often men whose fathers overlooked the challenges of menopause. They’re now reflecting on how their mothers navigated similar experiences without support.

A significant shift is underway. While divorce rates overall may be declining, divorces for individuals over 50 are on the rise, with many women attributing their marital breakdowns to the challenges of menopause. In a UK survey, seven out of ten women identified perimenopause or menopause as a significant factor in their marital difficulties.

Fadal has observed this change firsthand. After screening her documentary, “The M Factor,” which primarily attracted female audiences, she noticed an emerging trend: more women began bringing their husbands or partners to these events, seeking mutual understanding. “Half of the population will experience menopause; we need to educate the other half,” she explained.

Confronting Vulnerability

Jesse Robertson found himself reflecting on these issues while driving home from work. He heard an interview featuring menopause expert Dr. Mary Claire Haver and was shocked by how many women are misdiagnosed and face ignorance surrounding hormone therapy. Inspired, he posed a question on TikTok about whether women wanted their husbands to engage in the menopause discussion.

The response was overwhelmingly positive, prompting Jesse to shift his content focus. He now creates videos aimed at educating men about menopause—not as an expert, but as someone on a similar journey. Through this process, he has found it has deepened his relationship with his wife, enabling more honest conversations. “If I can discuss something as sensitive as this, we can talk about anything,” he noted.

Meanwhile, Todd Maxwell, after recognizing similar symptoms in his wife, found himself confronting his earlier dismissive attitudes. “When she joked about hot flashes, I brushed it off,” he admitted, realizing in hindsight that he could have provided more support. They eventually separated, leading him to a period of self-reflection and a commitment to learn about her experience.

Now, he engages in therapy and educates himself on perimenopause, striving to actively support not only his wife but his entire family. “I want to be there for my wife and my kids,” he said.

Understanding the Broader Implications

When fitness coach Dave Maher began training older women, he noticed that simply advising them to eat less and exercise more wasn’t effective, as hormonal changes during perimenopause and menopause play significant roles. “It’s misleading to attribute weight changes solely to diet and exercise,” he explained, emphasizing the need for a more informed approach.

Men need to grasp that menopause involves more than just mood swings; it’s about essential hormonal shifts. “This issue affects wives, sisters, and daughters; men have to wake up to that,” Maher insisted.

Growing Through the Journey

For Kurt Schaer, navigating Denette’s perimenopause has been transformative, pushing him to understand and evolve as a partner. He reflects on how previous views of what it means to be a man were limited. “We learned to work hard and provide, but that’s not enough anymore,” he concluded. In his role as a marriage coach, he sees women desiring change in their husbands as they also hope to modernize their relationships. “They want a partner, not just the person they married,” he said.

Ultimately, Kurt’s journey through understanding menopause catalyzed what he believes is a richer, deeper love. Learning to engage with the challenges Denette faces has not only helped her but refined their connection, demonstrating that embracing vulnerability can lead to profound growth and understanding in relationships.