1: Burbank, always.
Burbank and Long Beach are the only two airports on earth that hark back to the days of gentlemanly flight, and are artifacts you should enjoy while you still can. In general, you should always choose a smaller regional airport only if it is not far from your destination.
Are you going to force me to take off my shoes like a criminal? Please give me a break.
2: Avoid LAX at all costs.
If you need one, be sure to get an Uber Black upon arrival at LAX. Make sure your family is hungry before boarding the LAXIT bus. What’s the opposite of a wonder of the world? That’s the LAXIT bus.
Also, avoid connecting at Dallas Airport. It’s always too air conditioned (higher chance of catching a cold) and the restaurant seems to only have various forms of papadeau seafood kitchen. I highly recommend connecting in Denver.
3: Spirit Airlines: Never, never.
I never have.
4: Get both CLEAR and TSA PreCheck.
Best money I’ve ever spent. Are you going to force me to take off my shoes like a criminal? Please give me a break.
5: Centurion Lounge is OK, but not that great.
Often cramped and crowded, like Soho House, these are primarily money traps for the middle class to falsely convey that they are upper class. A good airport bar is often preferred over a lounge. That said, it has a much healthier selection of food than other parts of the airport.
6: Don’t wait in line to get espresso at the airport.
This is machine caffeinated, not espresso. Just drink regular coffee and everything is the same.
7: Don’t wear sweatpants.
Don’t look sloppy. You’ll feel better throughout the day if you’re dressed properly and not like a cretin.
8: The quickest way to kill time during a flight is to work on your computer, play some music in your headphones, or have a drink.
In fact, flying is one of the best “liminal spaces” to do work, especially creative work. Remember that video of Kanye making music on a plane? It’s a great feeling and one of the best feelings in the world.
9: If you’re late, don’t sit there frowning and bemoaning your fate.
Nothing looks stupider than an angry person sitting on standby waiting for their name to be called. Delay is another opportunity to work and drink in the rich liminal space of air travel. The same applies to transit flights. There’s no need to fear transit. Getting some air and moving your muscles is healthier than being in a poop tube for too long, and you’ll feel much better when you arrive.
10: If your Uber driver asks, “How are you today?” it means he wants to chat.
Please chat with him. That was great.
Isaac Simpson (@disgracedprop) is the founder of Dissident Marketing Agency intention And the host of “”carousel“Podcast.
