Care and Feeding is a parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband’s parents don’t quite get along—it’s more like oil and water. Last weekend, their constant bickering completely ruined our 6-year-old daughter Alicia’s birthday party at a local fun center/arcade.
While my father-in-law was getting another piece of cake, my mother-in-law made an unpleasant comment about his weight, which led to a heated argument that escalated into a shouting match—she even dumped soda on him. This all happened right in front of Alicia, her friends, cousins, and a bunch of other parents. The staff eventually had to ask my in-laws to leave, and Alicia was in tears asking why her grandparents always fight.
I’m considering a six-month timeout for my in-laws, suggesting they either seek anger management or visit separately. My husband, however, thinks it’s too much. He says they’ve always been this way and wants to let it slide. I just feel it’s not unreasonable to protect my daughter from their toxicity. Isn’t that a fair stance?
—Timeout for In-Laws
Dear Timeout,
It’s interesting, but a significant portion of the questions in this advice column stem from people not taking their spouse’s valid concerns seriously or holding their parents accountable for their actions. I understand that some families deal with volatility by avoiding confrontation. Your husband’s comment about their behavior being consistent over the years suggests he may have had to overlook a lot to keep things stable with his family.
Your feelings about your in-laws are totally valid. But reality can be a bit messier than expectations. Your husband’s parents have had a long history of conflict. Some people simply won’t address their anger issues or seek help, no matter how necessary it seems. It’s tough to tell if your in-laws are open to change—while that would be wonderful, often it isn’t simple or even feasible.
You and your husband can’t dictate how his parents act, but you can choose who is around your family. Taking a break from them is perfectly alright. If you really think your daughter should be shielded from their negative behavior, it’s a conversation worth having with your husband. While it’s out of your hands to force change, you can suggest things like anger management or implement certain rules for their visits. If they cross boundaries again, you have the option to leave the situation.
I’m not saying you should excuse your in-laws’ behavior, which, trust me, I find frustrating as well. But expecting to keep your child away from all dysfunctional interactions isn’t quite realistic. She’s already encountered some aspects of this dynamic and will continue to do so as she grows.
The best thing you can do for her is to communicate openly. Discuss how she feels about what went down at the Fun Zone or any drama she’s witnessed. It’s crucial not to act like everything’s fine when it’s not. Ensure she understands she can express her feelings and thoughts with you. As she matures, she’ll need to figure out her own boundaries regarding relationships.
—Nicole
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