Each week, Prudie discusses a letter with a colleague. If you have a question, you can submit it.
Dear Prudence,
My daughter has survived breast cancer, which is a blessing. Yet, instead of appreciating her life and body, she seems to be living for indulgence.
The woman who once practiced yoga, jogged regularly, and avoided red meat and chips is now enjoying wine almost every night and binge-watching shows on her days off. Her reasoning is that she was healthy before and still got cancer, so why not enjoy herself? I’ve mentioned that alcohol can increase cancer risk and that a healthy lifestyle can improve survival rates, but she insists it’s her choice. The last time I visited, she even asked me to leave! I have high blood pressure and can’t eat certain foods, while she needs to avoid anything that could exacerbate her illness. She won’t talk about this, and our conversations often end up in arguments. How can I communicate my concerns without her thinking I’m judging her?
— Keep Fighting for Your Life
Jenée Desmond-Harris: When I read her daughter was being hedonistic, I expected to hear about extreme behaviors. But a glass of wine and some chips? That sounds pretty normal for a person! Mom, maybe take it easy.
Lizzie O’Leary: As someone with cancer experience, I can say that surviving brings out a mix of emotions. In the past 18 months post-surgery, I’ve felt everything from joy to anger to exhaustion. Balancing others’ thoughts on my cancer has been draining. I understand your concern is coming from love, but if you’re not a cancer specialist, it might be wiser to step back. Otherwise, you risk straining your relationship.
Jenée: I empathize with you having to manage others’ feelings during such a difficult time.
It’s also clear that the letter writer embodies what some call an “Almond Mom”—someone overly focused on health, perhaps to the point of being controlling about it, especially toward her daughter.
Lizzie: The term “Almond Mom” is interesting. When loved ones get sick, there’s an instinct to protect them, but that can dangerously tip into blaming them for their illness. You’re right that alcohol is a risk, but just pointing that out can blur into fear-mongering. People dealing with stigma often hear judgment in questions about their health. No one likes feeling they’re being careless about their wellbeing. It would be better to express your love for her, acknowledge that her cancer scares you, and admit you might not have expressed your concerns well. Apologizing could pave the way for better support.
Jenée: I can’t believe people asked if you were a smoker. It’s outrageous they would ask outright like that.
So, that’s solid advice that’s tricky to implement. What I’d add is this: You love your daughter and have a deep understanding of the value of health and life. That’s great! But perhaps it’s worth considering that living well, not just living long, matters too. Sure, her choices may carry risks, but perhaps the aim isn’t just longevity but enjoying life along the way. Also, fighting with you certainly doesn’t improve her quality of life. If you genuinely care, stepping back on this issue might help ensure that your relationship remains strong and supportive during the years to come.
