Dear Abby Letters
Dear Abby: I’m a 38-year-old woman with a 21-year-old daughter named Penny. I had her when I was 16 and, honestly, it was pretty lonely back then; I didn’t get much help from anyone. For various reasons, I chose not to connect with my father or his family. They were aware of my pregnancy but didn’t offer any support. I worked tirelessly to create a good life for Penny, but I’ve stayed single all this time. Her father has passed away, and he had other children, while his parents still reside in our small town.
To my surprise, I found out that my privacy hasn’t been as secure as I thought. A while ago, someone informed Penny about “other family members.” On her 21st birthday, my paternal grandmother called to share a “birthday present” with me—a paternity test. Apparently, Grandma’s health isn’t great, and her other granddaughter, who was taking care of her, has now relocated across the country. I suspect Grandma wants Penny to step into that caregiving role.
Penny is understandably upset with me for not being upfront about her family history. She’s also frustrated that my grandmother, who has known her for so long, is only acknowledging their connection now. I’m furious that they’re putting my daughter in this uncomfortable position. Am I wrong to feel this way? How can we navigate this situation smoothly? — The secret is in Colorado
A dear secret has been leaked: It’s tough for Penny to hear this news, especially since some details about her father were kept from her. I think you owe it to her to explain why you chose silence; you wanted to spare her the difficult experiences you faced as a teenager. Living in a small town, it’s almost impossible for such secrets to remain hidden forever. It feels quite selfish and harsh for Penny’s grandma to approach her this way. I hope she doesn’t fall into that trap.
Dear Abby: I’m part of several online groups (like academic or professional ones) that require my full name. Unfortunately, there’s no option to use the name I actually go by—it’s mandated for legal reasons. I realize others have bigger issues, but it feels awkward interacting with people using my formal name, which I’ve never really used.
Even when I sign off emails and texts with my preferred name, people still address me by my full name. I’ve reached out to some, saying, “Please call me ○○,” but they often overlook that request. It’s quite frustrating.
Is there a polite way to correct them, or should I just let it slide? I’ve considered a legal name change, but that seems like too much trouble. — California Misunderstood
Dear Misunderstood: If being called a name you dislike bothers you enough to write to me, I think it’s better to address it rather than just endure it. Maybe it’s time to seriously think about legally changing your name.
