Dear Abby: My husband “Dan” passed away four and a half years ago. We have been together for 17 years. I keep in touch with his mother and one of his sisters. His family is politically the opposite of his daughter and I and is very religious (we are not). He has twin children who are now adults and we also keep in touch. They are my only family living in this area. We also have a 20-year-old daughter.
Am I obligated to keep in contact with his family because of my daughter? He is kind and polite when I call him, but he no longer invites me to visit him. Her mother-in-law also stopped giving me and her daughter gifts on special occasions.
How healthy is it to keep in touch? I feel really bad because my daughter really doesn't have any family anymore. How should I continue to interact with his side of the family? — I got a little lost in Washington.
Dear Lost: I don't think anything will be gained by slamming the door. Relationships evolve, and your relationship with your late husband's family seems to be becoming more distant. For your daughter's sake, be as honest as possible by sending cards at appropriate times. Don't burn bridges. If your daughter wants to contact these families, she is old enough to do it without your help.
Dear Abby: Before we had kids, my stepmom dropped a lot of “hints” encouraging us to have kids and promised us many times that she would retire after we had kids. We currently have two children aged 6 and 18 months. When you ask your father or stepmother to babysit or take care of your child, they will say, “I would love to do that, but it's not convenient for me right now.''
They live 7 minutes away but have never offered to babysit. They see our kids about 1 out of every 20 times we ask. They come to see us as a family when it's convenient, and my kids love them. Every time they stop by, we stop whatever we're doing and spend time with them. Because those relationships are important to us and to our children.
Culturally, it is normal for grandparents to watch over the children. My grandparents watched us a lot when we were children, especially after my mother passed away. I never expected my stepmom to actually quit her job to watch the kids, but I really expected more support than we received. I don't know how to express that I need more support than they are providing. — A poor mother in New Zealand
To mom: You were lucky to have a grandma with time. and desire We will take care of you, but not all families are the same. If you're a regular reader of “Dear Abby,” you know that I often receive emails from people complaining that they don't have enough access to their grandchildren.
I'm sorry that your stepmother raised your expectations and it didn't turn out to be true. If she thinks she and your dad will change their ways, explain that you need their help. However, accept that you will have to hire a babysitter if one is not available right away.
Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440 (Los Angeles, CA 90069).
