Dear Abby

I lost my dear mother-in-law five years ago. Since then, my father-in-law has become engaged to a woman who isn’t well-received by the family. To be honest, she’s quite unkind and negative, which makes family gatherings pretty tense.

Now they’ve announced their wedding date, and it just so happens to be on my birthday. This really took me by surprise. Both my parents have passed away, and my birthday has always been a special day for me—one of the few times I felt truly celebrated. I’m worried that future birthdays will be overshadowed by their wedding anniversary and all the complicated emotions that come with it.

Is it selfish or wrong to ask him to think about picking another date? I really don’t want to stir up any drama, but I’m feeling quite hurt. How can we navigate this without escalating things? — Torn between grace and sorrow

Dear Tone: Unfortunately, your birthday isn’t exclusive to you. It’s clear you’re not fond of your father-in-law’s choice for a second wife, but I truly hope you can adapt. Asking a couple to change their wedding date for your sake probably won’t be taken lightly.

Dear Abby

I’m 67, and my husband is 68. For six years now, we’ve been caring for our elderly parents. My father-in-law, who had Alzheimer’s, passed away a few years back after a long and challenging struggle. My mother-in-law is 87 and refuses to go to a nursing home. She lives alone, but my sister-in-law and I take turns making meals for her, while my husband takes care of yard work and maintenance she can no longer manage. We’re retired, and honestly, our lives revolve around her needs.

Recently, I talked to my daughter, my only child. She has three sets of parents—us, my ex and his wife, and her husband’s parents. She said she loves us but doesn’t want to care for any of us. Once she retires, she wants to travel and enjoy life without the burden of caregiving.

I get it, I’ve been through a lot myself. No one wants to be in this situation. Still, I felt hurt. Everything we own—money, car, house—is intended for her after we pass. Now, it seems like she might need it for assistance. Abby, is it common for kids today to shy away from helping their elderly parents? — Plan amendments in Missouri

Dear Revisers: I can’t say it’s become “normal,” but it’s certainly not rare. It’s tough for parents who expect their children to care for them, as it doesn’t always unfold that way. I’m glad your daughter is honest now; it gives you a chance to plan ahead.