Dear Abby: My first love and I broke up 21 years ago, but I’m still hung up on her. We grew up in poor factory towns, where I was a disgruntled, mediocre athlete and she was a cheerleader. We shared fundamentalist religious beliefs, but lacked access to contraception, and after more than five years of regular dating we decided to “save ourselves for marriage.” Unlike most people our age, we were able to attend college.
When I graduated, while many of my friends were getting married, she met a minor league baseball player and soon traveled with him to another state to lose her virginity. Soon after, she had a summer fling with a top college football player and then a relationship with a much older, divorced lawyer.
Although I maintained a good outward appearance while pursuing a demanding graduate program, I was feeling unwell and became severely depressed and disillusioned to the point of contemplating suicide.
I ran into her again by chance 15 years later. We were both married and she was very involved in Christian mission work. I told her accusingly that her affair had really hurt her. We had a nice lunch and parted ways amicably, but she unashamedly dismissed it all as “just sex.”
Abby, after all this time I am still confused. I don’t know what I want. Maybe I want revenge. Is it weird to hold on for so long or will the other person carry the pain for the rest of their life? — Don’t Rock Her in the South
Don’t shake her: Yes, some people carry pain for the rest of their lives unless it’s addressed. It sounds like you know all about your ex’s relationships (and she probably talks a lot!). I have a strong hunch that when you asked her out to lunch, what you were hoping for was a sincere apology for hurting you all those years ago. The lack of an apology speaks volumes about the depths of her insensitivity.
There is no need to take revenge my friend. You should stop reliving the past. It is a waste of energy. If you cannot do it on your own, maybe counselling can help.
Dear Abby: My wife works 2pm-10pm. The other day she left a message on our answering machine saying “I’m so tired I’m not coming home tonight, I’m staying at a motel.” We live 20 minutes from where she works. I am very upset, to say the least. She swears she didn’t go out with anyone, she just went there and slept. I don’t know if I can believe her and I don’t know what to do next. Please help. — A confused husband from Michigan
Dear Husband: You may think your wife is used to her work schedule. What she did is highly unusual, not to mention expensive. Can she provide you with a motel receipt? If so, give her a break this time. If it happens again, consider hiring a private investigator to gain insight into her sudden change in behavior.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren (aka Jeanne Phillips) and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or write to PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
