How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column.Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
In my past relationships, I’ve often hesitated when it comes to intimacy. And, well, when those moments do happen, I’ve had more than a few occasions where women just burst out laughing and walked away. You might start to see where this is going.
Yes, I have a micropenis, and because of this, my love life has really suffered. The only serious relationship I had lasted a year. It ended after I asked my girlfriend if she was satisfied with me, and she said, “I prefer guys on the smaller side so they won’t hurt me.” Honestly, knowing that most romantic encounters might end with me being mocked is so embarrassing that I’m almost ready to just accept being on my own forever. Is there anything I can do about this?
—Size Apparently Does Matter
Dear Size Apparently Does Matter,
Your experiences do sound really painful. That comment from your ex-girlfriend particularly stood out to me. It reminded me of a recent article about a man with a micropenis and a woman with endometriosis—a condition that causes painful penetrative sex. I wonder if your ex-girlfriend meant to communicate relief rather than mockery. Regardless of where her preferences come from, to find a meaningful connection, you might need to reconsider how you interpret women’s comments about your size—seeing them as appreciation rather than ridicule.
It’s tough when we’re sensitive about certain issues, especially after being treated poorly. It’s easy to assume someone has bad intentions when they really might not. So, when you mention that one relationship “ended,” I wonder if you really ended things. Did you talk to her to clarify what she meant? If you left based on assumptions, why? Was it too hard to deal with, or did it not seem worth it to find out more? If everything else in that relationship was good, perhaps reaching out again could help clarify any misunderstandings. That said, she might not be open to it now, and there’s always a risk of rejection with dating.
Dating can definitely feel like a challenge, particularly when you have a personal characteristic that can provoke strong reactions. Sometimes, stepping back is the best option to avoid burnout. If you find that you’re equating your dating experiences with negative feelings about your size, it might be a good idea to take a break and do things that genuinely bring you joy.
—Jessica
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I’m not really looking for practical advice but rather some insight. I (33F) have been with my boyfriend (35M) for roughly six years. We both struggle with sleep issues, so we decided to keep two separate bedrooms. Living in a big enough house without kids, we each sleep in our own room but still have a vibrant sex life, with frequent visits to each other’s space for some fun.
