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Dear Care and Feeding,
My marriage to my ex-husband, “Peter,” came to an end four years ago after I learned he was having an affair with a co-worker. Our sons were just 2 and 5 at that time. Even though he made some terrible choices, I recognized that he was a committed father. I tried my best to set aside my feelings about him to co-parent effectively after the divorce. Recently, however, something tragic happened to him.
A month ago, Peter was involved in a fatal car accident. The boys are heartbroken, but, if I’m honest, there’s a part of me that feels relief that he’s no longer around. The kids notice my lack of sadness and are confused about why I’m not mourning. What should I do? It feels wrong to pretend to grieve for someone who caused me pain.
—Good Riddance
Dear Good,
You don’t need to fake grief for your children. However, it’s crucial that they understand you’re sad for their loss, not the loss of their father. You might say you’re upset that someone important to them is gone and emphasize that their feelings are the priority right now. If necessary, you could mention that you had already grieved your relationship with Peter long ago and that his role in your life was tied to his place as their father. Encourage them to express their feelings and share your empathy: “I’m really sorry this has happened,” or “I can’t imagine how you must be feeling.” Lean into your concern for the boys rather than your feelings about Peter, even if it seems like you have good reasons to feel that way.
—Jamilah
More Parenting Advice
My 3-year-old refuses to eat dinner. Instead, he asks for snacks, and if we deny him, he throws a tantrum. We don’t force him to eat, but we won’t give him anything else. If he asks for food later, he can choose between what was made for dinner or some milk. At first, he’d ask for food after his bath, but now he just won’t eat.
