Dear Abby:
My husband’s close friend, “Herb,” is getting married for the third time. He’s planning a wedding and thinks that guests should cover the meal costs. I mentioned to my husband that this feels like a recipe for failure—especially since Herb has already had pre-nups with his previous two wives. I’m left wondering about this whole situation. What about the guests? If some don’t RSVP or bring gifts, how does that reflect on his fiancée?
I’m considering going against my husband’s advice not to share wedding etiquette with Herb. He seems like a good guy, very nice and well-liked, but I see how his previous marriage failed, and both ex-wives had complaints that they shared with me before ending things. Should I step in and say something? – Just observing from the sidelines
Dear “Just observing”:
From what you’ve shared, it doesn’t seem like Herb is unaware of what he’s doing. If you want to be supportive, perhaps when he hands the prenup to his fiancée, you might gently suggest that she considers having her own attorney review it. That way, she can avoid any unexpected surprises down the road.
Dear Abby:
I’m a 54-year-old mother, a wife, and a full-time teacher. My days are hectic and generally calm. Each night, I’m expected to call my 84-year-old mother. I listen to all her stories and rants patiently, but if I happen to fall asleep or forget, it feels like my absence is noticed immediately. I get bombarded with texts and calls, sometimes even from my kids and husband.
It really annoys me when she asks, “Did you hear what X said today?” or “Did you tell J what R said?”—especially since she’s already mentioned these things multiple times. Should I just keep quiet or push for a communication schedule that works for both of us? It’s tough to have meaningful conversations when they feel forced and it’s mostly one-sided. – A burden in New York
Dear Burden:
You have the ability to change the dynamics of your mother’s expectations. To do this, you need to have a conversation with her, though it might not be the easiest discussion. Let her know that daily chats aren’t necessary, and propose that you’ll call her once or twice a week instead. If she craves gossip, suggest she share it with her peers rather than needing you to listen every day.
Be ready for her reaction; she might not take it well. If she reaches out to your husband or kids to complain, reassure her that you’re perfectly okay with your new arrangement.
Additionally, if her memory seems off, it may be worth having her checked by a doctor.
Dear Abby was created by Abigail Van Buren, who is also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was initiated by her mother, Pauline Phillips. For more information, you can visit http://www.dearabby.com or write to PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
