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Dear How to Do It,
My girlfriend went through a tough time and lost a lot of weight. While things have improved, I find myself feeling guilty when I see her ribs and hip bones, which makes it hard for me to be intimate.
I’m dealing with a chronic illness, and last year a new doctor put me on medication that had severe mental health side effects. I didn’t realize what was happening until I pushed my girlfriend away and damaged important relationships. It was a harrowing two months, and thankfully, I managed to get off the medication and start piecing my life back together. Now, as I work on my mental health, I feel haunted by how my illness affected those I care about.
After I apologized, my girlfriend accepted me back. We are mostly on the same page; she understands what I went through and doesn’t hold me entirely responsible. However, during that time, the stress caused her to lose weight. She used to be curvier but is now considered ‘healthy’ by her doctor, even though she looks visibly different with hollow cheeks and visible bones. She also bruises more easily, and I can’t shake the feeling that I hurt her emotionally, which is now reflected physically. It complicates things in our intimate moments, and I hesitate to bring it up given her slow weight gain journey. How should I approach this in bed?
—Picking Up the Pieces
Rich Juzwiak: I feel like there’s a component of guilt here that can be somewhat self-centered. While your actions deeply impacted your girlfriend’s life, she also has agency in how she responded.
Even though it appears your behavior contributed to her weight loss, it’s important to recognize that she is responsible for her own choices. It’s a bit egocentric to place all the blame on yourself, even if your actions may have played a role. The reality is, she is an independent adult who made her own decisions, and while the weight fluctuation may not be entirely within her control, it’s also not solely your fault.
Jessica Stoya: The narrative of being overtaken by a “supervillain” is definitely resonant here. It could lead someone to avoid personal responsibility, but you seem to have taken it on completely. While that’s admirable in a way, it might be useful to step back and reevaluate the situation from different angles.
There’s always the chance she’s facing her own health issues unrelated to you, or perhaps the stress she endured triggered an underlying condition.
So, even though her health should ultimately be her own responsibility, I’d advise her to seek further medical counsel if she hasn’t done so already. It’s crucial not to let this narrative take hold to the point where it inhibits essential health follow-up.
Rich: Exactly.
Jessica: I’m not a bodily expert, but her experiencing more bruising could be significant.
Rich: Absolutely. Plus, you mentioned she has complex feelings about her gradual weight regain. But what’s the full story? How does she feel about the weight gain? Is there any pressure, conscious or otherwise, for her to regain it? And how much is your guilt influencing her perspective?
Because what’s done is done; you’ve both moved towards forgiveness. So please don’t push her to gain weight back right now, especially since a doctor has declared her current weight healthy, which carries its own biases.
I hesitate to side strictly with the doctor, but it’s feasible you’re so tangled in your narrative that you’re missing a broader view. Perhaps this is what your girlfriend desires; she could be healthier now for multiple reasons. Health isn’t solely defined by weight—it’s a complicated issue.
So, try taking a step back. Having a conversation to clarify her thoughts and goals regarding her body may be beneficial.
Jessica: Totally agree. And to extend that metaphor of renovation: previously, you may have had set places in the bed, but that doesn’t mean you need to stick with the same arrangement now.
At its core, the straightforward question remains: you’re struggling with intimacy due to anxiety over achieving an erection. It’s key to redirect your focus. What does physical closeness mean to you and your partner at this moment? Instead of adhering to the conventional notion of penetration, consider how you both can share intimacy differently, given the current circumstances.
Rich: Don’t hesitate to utilize aids like a cock ring or medication to ease the anxiety surrounding erections. These can provide relief in the moment. Couples therapy could also be a helpful avenue.
Jessica: If resources are available, it’s ideal to pursue both individual and couples therapy, and consider consulting someone who specializes in sexual wellness. But since you’re in a waiting period for a therapist, addressing your own guilt and experiences may be vital for your healing process.
Rich: Just to emphasize—be kind to yourself. Even if you’ve made regrettable choices, they don’t define who you are. Understand that managing this situation is an ongoing process. You can’t alter the past, but your actions now can shape the future.
Jessica: Gaining insight into the purpose of sexual intimacy for both you and your girlfriend is essential. What are your motivations right now?
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