How to Do It
Have a question? Send it anonymously to Stoya and Rich.
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a 60-year-old man and have been seeing a wonderful woman around my age. She’s intelligent, funny, and independent, which I really admire. However, there’s something that concerns me: her body.
She is very underweight, mostly consuming protein bars and exercising for long hours. Her arms are quite thin, and I can see her breastbone poking out. It’s making intimacy quite challenging for me. I find it hard to look past this aspect. What would you recommend?
—Trying Not to Be Judgmental
Dear Trying Not to Be Judgmental,
First, it might help to clarify what exactly makes intimacy a challenge for you. Is it purely about appearance? Or perhaps you’re worried about her lifestyle choices? What’s the real issue here? Remember, she’s an adult and has the right to take care of her body as she chooses. You’ve made assumptions based on your observations, but if you haven’t genuinely discussed her views on fitness with her, these thoughts might just be conjecture. I’m not saying you’re wrong; your concerns are valid, but let’s think practically for a moment. Do you believe you can step into her life, claim she’s not doing it right, and expect her to just comply?
Moreover, she looked this way when you first met. Early on in a relationship, it’s crucial to gauge your attraction and consider the future of your connection. If you’re having doubts now, that usually indicates something isn’t quite right. The basics of forming a healthy relationship hinge on acceptance: you should feel that this is someone you genuinely want to be with. It seems you might be struggling with that. If you can focus on her positive traits, perhaps it’s best to pause on the intimacy front and simply get to know her better. There’s a chance that, as you develop a stronger bond, your concerns about her eating habits might lessen. Or they may not. Reflect on what initially drew you to her and see if you can still tap into that interest.
—Rich
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