Dear Abby

My husband, “Andy,” and I have been married for 25 years. We started young, at just 16, and we have three children, aged 14, 11, and 9.

Our marriage has generally been happy. However, when Andy began his government job five years ago, things changed. After two years, he started traveling frequently for work.

His increased travel took a toll on me. I found myself struggling to juggle everything for the kids without his support, and he responded by getting increasingly frustrated every time he had to leave. The travel aspect wasn’t supposed to be part of his job, initially.

A major argument ensued. I discovered that Andy was drinking heavily and cheating, which was a drastic shift from the man I married. He now seemed angry and distant, which was not like him at all.

We’re in counseling now, trying to salvage our relationship. Yet, I still get mixed signals from him. Sometimes he seems fully committed, while other times he acts like I did something wrong. Am I foolish for wanting to work on this? – I’m working hard in Louisiana

Dear Creation: You’re not foolish. I believe your marriage is worth the effort. It’s promising that he’s open to counseling with you.

His difficulty in connecting with you might stem from guilt about his actions. In your sessions, you might want to explore whether his ongoing issues are related to his past behavior and how critical his government job is to your family’s well-being. My sympathy is with you.

Another Letter

Dear Abby: I’ve had feelings for a minister I met at church 35 years ago. We never dated, but I felt a strong connection to him.

He eventually lied about his life and left to marry someone else, keeping his previous engagement a secret.

Although I’ve dated others since then, I still can’t move on emotionally. My feelings for him have intensified since becoming single again. I’m unsure why.

He seems so far out of reach, and I’m too scared to contact him since we live in different states. Is it normal to feel this way? Am I truly in love or just longing for something that isn’t real? – Lovesick in Washington

Dear Love Chic: It sounds more like you’re in love with an idealized version of a relationship. It’s easier to fantasize about someone than face the imperfections of real people and relationships.

This fixation might be detracting from your chances of forming meaningful connections in the future. My advice is to let go of the past and focus on what lies ahead.

Dear Abby was created by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and has its roots with her mother, Pauline Phillips.