Dear Abby: Family Struggles

I’m married to a man who is currently in jail, which has been really tough on our family. I have him and two kids. To add to it, I was pregnant with our youngest when he got arrested.

My mother has made things even more complicated. She believes that since my husband is in jail, I can do no right. She often yells at me, claiming I’m a worse person than her husband. Her reasoning? She insists that as his mother, nothing changes for her, but that I can always choose to “throw him away” as my husband.

She even made a big deal when I sought counseling. Whenever I tried to talk about my feelings, she’d turn it back on herself, which feels quite judgmental and, frankly, unkind. She calls it “being candid.”

Is it wrong for me to feel upset? Am I supposed to just divorce her son or something? It feels rude and foolish for her to say that, especially since I married him and had a child with him.

I don’t really understand why she thinks there’s some sort of competition between us. If there is, it seems we’re both losing. Aren’t we both struggling in our own ways?

Is it too much to ask that she acknowledge my struggles just because she has her own? – The wife of an Ohio prisoner

Dear Wife:

It’s a strange position to be in when your stepmother seems to want you to divorce her son. Maybe she feels overwhelmed and thinks it’s a competition. Until your husband is able to come home, it’s probably best to limit your interactions with her and not confide too much in her. Your issues are heavy enough without stirring the pot further.

Dear Abby: A Family Dilemma

I find myself in a tough spot between my daughter and her husband. His daughters, both very bright, haven’t worked in a year and a half, which is concerning.

Her husband has expressed that it’s a significant burden, both financially and on his health. After a hospital visit, where his blood pressure skyrocketed, he seems really stressed about it all. It feels like she’s relying heavily on him emotionally and financially, almost expecting him to sustain her.

My daughter doesn’t seem to be making enough effort on her own. If I step in, I risk losing our communication, as she might stop talking to me altogether, knowing he confides in me as well. What do I do? I want her to be more proactive and less dependent.

– Grab a straw

Dear Understanding:

It seems like it’s time for you to take a step back. You can’t control your adult daughter, and it’s clear that communication between her and her husband isn’t going well. Perhaps he needs to express his feelings to a marriage and family therapist to help address the stress these dynamics are causing. It might be best for him to talk to whoever he feels comfortable with, including a lawyer if needed. If your daughter can’t handle this, then she might need to reflect on her own situation.