Our advice columnists have gathered a wealth of experience over the years, and we’re excited to revisit the Pay Dirt archives to share some timeless letters with our readers. Feel free to submit your own money questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
My husband, “Josh,” and I both experienced early widowhood and only remarried when our children reached their 20s. Although I generally get along with my stepchildren, I wouldn’t say we’re particularly close. Josh has been battling a chronic illness, which was previously well-managed, but things have changed recently. Doctors estimate he has about two years left of costly and agonizing care, with faint hopes of stabilization—hospice seems likely. Now, he wants us to consider divorce to shield our assets from his overwhelming medical expenses, while ensuring he remains in the house with a solid agreement in place. Our financial advisor and attorneys believe we can execute this plan, but there’s one major obstacle: He won’t inform his children.
The kids are aware that he is seriously ill, and I think it’s their right to understand the situation, but he insists it’s too private. I really don’t want them learning about this by chance or thinking I’ve harmed their father at such a fragile time. What’s the best way to handle this?
—Soon to Be Divorcee
Dear Soon to Be Divorcee,
First and foremost, I empathize with your family’s situation because this is an incredibly painful decision. While I see the logic in protecting your assets, I fundamentally disagree with your husband’s choice to keep the kids in the dark about the divorce.
They will inevitably find out, and it’s you who will bear the burden of their resentment. Even if you were to explain that the divorce was actually his decision, how could you expect them to trust that? If I were in their position, I wouldn’t be convinced by that story, and it could severely damage your relationship with your stepkids.
I understand that Josh is trying to protect them, but he’s missing the bigger picture. Divorce is not as private as he thinks; it can be public knowledge through various records. It’s critical to help him realize this, or else a lot of unnecessary pain will come from his actions.
—Doyin Richards
From: My Husband Has Astronomical Medical Bills, But We’ve Conjured A Scheme To Avoid Them. (January 25th, 2023).
Dear Pay Dirt,
My daughter has been with her boyfriend for three years, and they have a nearly two-year-old child. He’s lived at our house the entire time, but he’s only held two jobs, both of which he was fired from. Since last October, he’s been unemployed, claiming he’s looking for work. My daughter occasionally works and they don’t pay rent; although they buy their food and cover car insurance, my daughter’s earnings aren’t substantial. I’m on a pension and I’m fed up with financially supporting two grown adults and a baby alongside myself. What should I do?
—Tired of It All
Dear Tired of It All,
You’ll need to employ a firm approach. I’m not suggesting you need to cut them off right away, but they must be put on notice. Offer them three months to either find stable jobs and secure housing, or start paying you rent.
I realize this seems harsh, but they’re adults—not children. They shouldn’t be allowed to continue as burdens. Otherwise, it’s your pension that will take the hit while you feel constant frustration, and I know that’s not what you want.
Guilt may creep in for being so demanding, but trust that you’re actually helping them in the long run. Stick to your decision; three months is plenty of time for them to get moving.
—D.R.
From: My Adult Daughter And Her Boyfriend Are Mooching Off My Pension. (January 25th, 2023).
Dear Pay Dirt,
My beloved 19-year-old daughter desperately wants a nose job. She feels her nose, inherited from me, is too prominent and bumpy. My wife and I don’t think she needs it, and we’re uncomfortable with the idea of spending so much on what seems like vanity to us. We’re also not keen on the risks involved.
We’re currently supporting her through university, and she has some savings from her grandparents. The cost is significant—more than we’d likely spend on important home improvements or vacations. She has the means to undergo surgery elsewhere, which can be quite risky. She’s asking us to finance the procedure here.
While instinctively saying no, I also don’t want to control her using our financial power. We’ve supported her in her choices around hair, contacts, and braces. Is a nose job really that different?
—You Want Me to Pay for What?
Dear Pay for What,
How essential were the braces? Some alignments are purely aesthetic, while others address issues like jaw pain or chewing difficulties. Do you have any information indicating a medical necessity for the surgery, such as a deviated septum? Depending on your insights, the significance of braces and rhinoplasty may align more than you think, or not. Hair dye is certainly distinct in terms of cost and nature, and contact lenses seem closer to that than surgery.
Even if her wish stems purely from aesthetics, try not to dismiss it as solely “pointless vanity.” It’s unfortunate, but appearance carries weight in our society, especially for women, and this could be about more than just looks.
Your daughter is now 19 and can make her own decisions regarding her body and finances. If she’s aware of the risks of traveling for this surgery, it’s her call. You might encourage her to think about the implications—like language barriers during recovery—before proceeding.
Consider if you’ve often acted in a controlling manner with her in the past, but I’m not seeing clear signs of control in your letter. If she prefers to have the surgery done locally, she can continue saving. If you’re concerned about her post-surgery recovery, maybe consider taking a trip to that area at the same time.
—Jessica Stoya
From: I’m Not Sure Funding My Daughter’s Nose Job Is Really All That Different From Braces. (January 24th, 2023).
More Money Advice From Slate
We’re parents later in life, and people keep insisting we “won’t be able to retire.” Initially, I brushed it off. But having grown up with little money, I find myself questioning if we’re overlooking something about financing college. We’re 50-year-olds with young kids aged 4 and 6. I’d like to retire by 60 or 62 at the latest.
