One woman’s sex addiction took over her life and brought her to the brink of suicide.
A 35-year-old named Amanda recently opened up on a podcast. we are all crazy We talk with host Devorah Roloff about how her obsession with intimacy has given her a distorted sense of love.
Amanda, who asked to remain partially anonymous, said she continued to jump up and down in bed even after her first boyfriend broke up with her when she was 26, and also blamed her sexually active lifestyle on her upbringing.
She was raised by a single mother, who she said was often “cold” towards her.
“I know a lot of it comes from her mother and her mother’s mother. It’s just a vicious cycle,” she said.
Due to her unstable relationship with her mother, she was “gravitated towards something toxic” when it came to men and used sex as a form of “control” to “fix” herself.
Watching her parents jump from relationship to relationship made Amanda lose faith in romance and realize that love is about more than just intimacy.
Amanda then detailed her experience with her first boyfriend. She called her boyfriend “E.”
They had an on-again, off-again relationship for 12 years, which she described as “aggressive” due to E’s drinking problem.
Their relationship turned sour as there was no “sexual intercourse” during their meeting. She eventually became pregnant, but lost her baby and E left her.
After her son left home, Amanda tried to ease the pain of losing him by having sex with anyone who came.
“I was playing the field in a really irresponsible way because I ended up hurting people that really didn’t need to be hurt,” she said.
Amanda continued, “It was all about taking back control and feeding my ego and everything in between for the visceral satisfaction that I felt like I had lost for so long.”
“I was a mess, to say the least. My living conditions were very, very bad and I felt very, very paralyzed just trying to survive and make ends meet and do what I had to do. I was there.”
Two years after breaking up with E, she started a “relationship” with a man named Em. However, she continued to have affairs with other people at the same time, keeping her own infidelity a secret from Em.
After Em found out about the incident, he broke up with her.
“I was hysterical and literally very emotionally unstable. I felt very, very suicidal,” Amanda admitted.
“Unfortunately, I have a very big ego, so that’s one of the reasons why I’m a sex addict. It’s because I have a big ego, and once the ego dies, , I didn’t want to live anymore,” she said.
But over time, she began to heal herself by studying Buddhism and attending sex addiction meetings.
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please dial 988 or call the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Please visit their website.
