Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
Last weekend, my sister “Laura” watched my two kids, “Vivianna,” 8, and “Jaden,” 6, while my wife “Kaitlyn” and I attended a friend’s wedding. While at the mall, Vivianna made a rather significant request—something that parents usually have strict rules about.
Vivianna wanted to get her ears pierced, and Laura said yes. When we returned home the next day and found out, Kaitlyn was furious. I literally had to hold her back from confronting my sister. Now, she’s saying she doesn’t want Laura around the kids ever again and is threatening legal action! To complicate things, she’s rallied our family, insisting they pick a side—hers or the enemy’s.
While I wish Laura had consulted us first about the piercing, I honestly don’t see it as a huge deal. I knew girls younger than Vivianna with pierced ears. I think Kaitlyn is overreacting. She’s creating a toxic atmosphere, forcing everyone to choose sides, and leveraging access to our kids in a way that seems incredibly unfair. The whole situation has escalated unnecessarily, and the kids are really upset. Laura even sent an apology note, but Kaitlyn just tore it up and mailed it back! Whenever I try to reason with Kaitlyn, it’s like I’m confronted with an ultimatum: her and the kids or my sister. How can we mend this divide?
—Polarized Over Piercings
Dear Polarized Over Piercings,
Your sister definitely should have consulted you and your wife before allowing your daughter to undertake such a significant change. It’s understandable that your wife feels uneasy about your sister’s judgment.
However, your wife’s reaction seems excessive and immature. Physical confrontations? Sending back ripped letters? Is she really expecting you to choose between her and your sister? This is not the way to handle things.
Try to have an open conversation with your wife about her feelings. Approach it from a place of curiosity, rather than trying to convince her she’s wrong. Perhaps there’s a deeper issue at play. Ask her specifically what about the piercing upset her. Maybe she wanted to be part of that experience in our daughter’s life. It might have to do with protocol or perhaps some underlying tension between her and your sister that surfaced because of this incident. Listening to her might help her see that her reactions are a bit over the top and not particularly constructive.
—Greg
More Advice From Slate
I am the mom of two boys, 6 and 8 years old. Lately, my husband was unwell, so I was managing parenting alone. It was tiring—balancing my work with their afterschool activities and care. Overall, it felt like a regular day. But, when tucking them in, they said some really hurtful things about me, leaving me in tears.
