dear abby: Six years ago, my mother passed away. She had a habit of manipulating family dynamics, which led to most of us being distant from her, except for my adult son. Before she died, she promised him a significant amount of money, but that promise wasn’t kept. As the trustee of my parents’ estate, I strictly adhered to their trust directives.
My son received a decent check, though it fell short of his expectations. He became upset and accused me of “taking” his inheritance. He even declared he wouldn’t see his children again unless he received what his grandmother had promised. Despite my attempts to explain the duties of a trustee, he seemed unable to grasp the situation, which left us both feeling hurt.
Fortunately, with the kindness of my former daughter-in-law, we were able to spend time with our grandchildren. I eventually came to accept my son’s decision to distance himself from his family, including his siblings. He is an adult and entitled to make his own choices.
I always believed I would want to pass my legacy to my three children. However, my husband and I struggle with guilt for excluding this son from our trust distributions due to his behavior and attempts at coercion. Is it wrong to have left him out? I want to move forward, but I can’t shake what he’s done. — Disputed in Idaho
Dear conflicted family: It’s unfortunate that your son misattributed his grandmother’s resentment towards you. Try to forgive him internally. However, don’t feel pressured to alter your estate plan. If you haven’t yet, consult your attorney about possibly leaving your son’s share to his child instead.
dear abby: I am married to a man who struggles with alcoholism and is both verbally and financially abusive. His drinking has escalated in the past year, and he can’t seem to maintain a job for more than a couple of months. This is tough on our three children, and we recognize our constant fighting isn’t good for them.
Finding a job has been a challenge for me since I haven’t worked in eight years. After many applications, I want to escape this toxic situation, but I feel paralyzed. I’m out of options—no money, no car, nowhere to go, and no job. What should I do, Abby? I can’t endure this misery anymore. — Western Breakpoint
dear breakpoint: It’s crucial that you reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, which you can find at thehotline.org or by calling 800-799-7233. Just because your husband isn’t physically abusive doesn’t mean it’s not abuse.
The environment you’ve described is harmful for both you and your children. It’s important to realize you can’t rescue him from his addiction. When he eventually hits bottom and chooses to seek help, that responsibility lies with him alone.
