Our advice columnists have gathered a lot of insights over time, so today we’re revisiting past letters from Care and Feeding to share with you. Got a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 12-year-old son hasn’t seen his father since we divorced eleven years ago when his dad moved seven hours north. Just to give you a bit of context: both of his paternal grandparents and all three of his father’s siblings struggled with drug addiction. When I realized his father was also using drugs, I knew I needed to leave that environment, so I filed for divorce.
When my son was younger, I told him his father loved him deeply but just couldn’t be the parent he needed to be. I thought this explanation worked well for a younger child, especially since he didn’t often ask about his dad. Now that he’s approaching his teenage years, it feels like I should share more of this history with him. Additionally, there’s the concern about genetic predisposition to addiction; I think this is pertinent for his future choices. Should I discuss this history with him? I’m worried that revealing this might make him feel burdened by a genetic predisposition, as if it somehow makes addiction more likely for him.
On the flip side, I fear that not discussing it might lead him to think we were hiding a shameful secret. He has a father figure in his life since the age of two, and a younger brother who looks up to him. Maybe he simply isn’t interested in knowing about a family he never met.
—Let Sleeping Dogs Lie
Dear LSDL,
It’s perfectly fine to tell your son the truth. There’s nothing wrong with stating that his father was an addict. Addiction can destroy families; it’s not just a personal issue but one that can deeply affect those involved. It’s a serious illness that often leads people to sacrifice everything they love. It’s tragic, but it’s not more shameful than any other illness.
So, when your son is ready to ask, you can tell him, “Your father struggled with addiction, which made it hard for him to be there for you as you deserved. I believe he wanted to do better, but he couldn’t. The good thing is, I’m here, and I love you, and your father still cares for you in his own way.”
Regarding the hereditary side of things, I know many families share concerns about this. However, the reality is that science isn’t clear-cut on this front. There’s no guarantee that anything you say will prevent your son from experimenting with drugs or developing an addiction. We warn our kids about how substances can ruin lives; it happens to many, and often those who suffer never foresee it. Addiction can be deceptive and powerful, and while your words might resonate, they can’t provide a sure safety net.
As parents, we can’t live too far ahead in our thoughts, no matter how much we want to. Right now, you have a safe and happy child who feels loved and supported—that’s what counts today. He’s in a much better place than his father was at his age.
—Carvell Wallace
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’ve been divorced from my son’s father since my son was one. We have shared custody, which means my son spends every other weekend, parts of the summer, and school breaks with his dad. I’ve always encouraged that time, and we’ve mostly avoided issues over custody.
Now my son is 12 and in seventh grade. He’s got a choice between two high schools: one traditional and another that focuses on trades. Curious about his preferences, I found out he’d already discussed this with his father. Apparently, they and his stepmother are suggesting he go to school in their town and live with them.
This frustrates me for a couple of reasons. First, his father should have spoken to me about this before discussing it with our son. I don’t want to spark false hopes. Secondly, my son has always lived with me and my husband. We’ve worked hard to raise him into a respectful, kind young man. But, like any kid, he has his quirks. I worry that his father’s easygoing style may not be the right approach for a teen.
How do I handle this situation with his passive-aggressive father and meddlesome stepmother? It feels like they’re trying to take my son away.
—Already Missing My Son
Dear AMMS,
You mention that your son has two high school options, but technically, he has three: the two nearby and the one in his father’s town. This means he does have a say not only in schooling but also in where he wants to live. I understand your feelings; it’s natural to react this way. But just because you dislike a situation doesn’t mean it’s unjust.
Your phrase “trying to take my son” suggests he belongs to you more than to his father. Why do you feel this way? Your letter doesn’t convey why his dad deserves less of a role. He has as much right to influence his son’s choices as you do. Sure, it would’ve been ideal for him to discuss this with you first, but that ship has sailed now.
Your son is in seventh grade, and this decision won’t need to be made immediately. Discussing it now, although poorly timed, gives everyone a chance to consider their options. Your son might change his mind by the time he has to choose, just as you may come to see things differently.
Ultimately, this situation could end up being a blessing in disguise. You may not like it now, but it opens avenues for conversation.
But, remember, your son’s feelings are crucial here. You may not agree with his father’s parenting style, but there’s no indication it’s detrimental. Every parent has their own approach. Your son spends time with his father, comes back happy, and feels comfortable enough to consider living with him for high school. Any changes to custody ultimately involve his preferences, which courts usually take into account. However, going through court might not be necessary at this point; it could even be detrimental. No child should witness their parents battling it out in court. Your love for your son shines through, and you should aim to avoid that scenario.
While your feelings are completely valid, don’t make your son feel responsible for them. If he wishes to spend time with his father, that’s his choice to make. Support him in whatever he decides. Best of luck with it all.
—C.W.
Classic Prudie
I’m getting married to my partner this summer, and my parents have kindly offered to cover the expenses. However, I’m worried that if I ask my brother’s fiancée to be a bridesmaid, my parents might pull their support. My brother and parents are estranged, and tensions have been high for years. I’ve been trying to stay neutral, but I’ve made some choices that make my parents think I’m siding with him—things like attending his daughter’s birthday party or posting pictures of us on social media. Now, I really want my brother’s fiancée in my wedding, but I foresee it creating complications.
