Dear Abby: Seven months ago, my son filed for divorce from his wife after 22 years of marriage. Three months back, he introduced us to a woman named Carlene. She has five kids with three different partners and is currently going through her second divorce, having filed two months ago. Out of her children, she only has custody of two.
Since Carlene came into the picture, my son has started drinking and using drugs again. He lost his job after 17 years. Honestly, I have no intention of welcoming Carlene into my life, and I need guidance on how to express to my son that I believe she is a bad influence and that I want no part of her or her disrespectful child. — Decisive in the East
Dear Decisive: You can’t control your adult son or dictate his choices. It might not be wise to bluntly tell him you see Carlene as his downfall. Instead, make your feelings clear through your actions—create a distance that he might notice. If he’s in a place to recognize it, your behavior will communicate your concerns.
P.S. You didn’t explicitly say that Carlene abuses drugs, but it seems likely that whatever your son has fallen into, they are engaging in it together. Please try not to blame the children for behaviors that their mother hasn’t managed. It’s not their fault.
Dear Abby: My 71-year-old sister struggles with hoarding. She’s always disorganized and perpetually late, diagnosed with ADHD years ago. Her home is cluttered with unfinished projects and recycling efforts.
Her family, including myself, tends to avoid her house, and if we do visit, we often get turned away. There’s a lingering smell that sticks to her clothes, making my car and home smell too long after her visit. I’m increasingly concerned for her safety with so much clutter around. I fear she could trip on the mounds of stuff stacked in her house.
When is it my responsibility to step in? I’ve generally thought that her life choices are hers to make. I wouldn’t want anyone to dictate how I live, so should she just focus on her situation or should I address the matter? She has no children and I’m her only family. My worry is that if something happens to her, her home will be left in chaos. — Burden in Indiana
To those feeling burdened: You should consider intervening when you believe her living conditions pose a health risk, as you’ve indicated. Hoarding is a serious mental health issue. While medication can help, it requires the person to acknowledge there’s a problem first.
Rather than confront your sister directly, it may be best to reach out to your local health department and share your concerns. They can assess whether her hoarding poses any danger to her health and wellbeing.
