Dear Abby: My husband is miserable. Five years ago, he was laid off from a job he had held for more than 25 years, and his small problems with depression, alcohol, and smoking escalated exponentially. He sleeps until 10 or 11 a.m., showers only two or three times a week, eats very little, and has a drink in hand by 4 or 5 p.m. every day. He currently has COPD, but has no intention of quitting smoking. He never considered treatment.
My husband lost so much weight and muscle mass that he was almost unrecognizable. It seems like she misses sex, but even if she were to ask him out, it would probably be a disaster due to her lack of physical strength. Anyway, I'm not interested anymore. He was never an affectionate person, but now his personal hygiene is poor, his breath smells of booze, his hands smell like cigarettes.
Beyond the quiet misery of home, it is difficult for him to go out. He doesn't like stairs, doesn't like walking far, and doesn't even like ordering at restaurants. I feel like he's trying to hasten his own death. Honestly, I feel like there's nothing I haven't done yet. I'm fine, but I'm numb. do you have any advice for me? — hopeless in kansas
Dear Desperate: Your husband seems to feel that he has no purpose in life. You said that he seems to miss sex, but that he's currently very unwell and you're no longer interested. Did you tell him that the reason you're no longer interested is because he's no longer the person you fell in love with and a big step in the right direction would be for him to see a doctor about his depression? ?If the answer is no, consider offering him that “carrot.” Your feelings may change if he intends to try to get back on track.
There are nicotine replacements for true addicts, helping users inhale fewer harmful byproducts. COPD patients can exercise with the help of supplemental oxygen, but this should also be discussed with their doctor. That being said, the bottom line is that your husband needs to be willing to help himself. If he doesn't, it might be time for you to find your local Al-anon group (al-anon.org/info) and attend some meetings. This will help you realize that his self-destructive behavior is not your fault. And only he can help himself.
Dear Abby: A long-time friend is now a widow and no longer has time to contact her. I invited her for coffee and dinner and sent her a note of support. She has to wait days, even weeks, and do other social things before responding. I understand loss and grief, but this feels like a NO. Please leave,” he said, tightening his arm. Looks like it's about time to leave. right? — An unexpected situation in Indiana
Dear Unexpected Person: You may have overwhelmed this woman by trying to comfort her. Depending on how long it's been since she lost her husband, you might want to take a step back and wait for her to regain her balance. The more you push her, the more she moves away.
Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Dear Abby, contact: http://www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
