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Dear How to Do It,
My wife struggles with clinical insomnia. Sometimes it feels like her life revolves around managing it.
She’s attempted therapy, hypnosis, and every supplement imaginable. She’s undergone sleep studies, meditates, practices yoga, takes medication, and has quite the demanding exercise routine.
The issue, however, is that when you devote three hours a day to exercise and meditation, it leaves little room for intimacy. When I suggest shortening her workouts during busy times, she gets upset. This time of year is hectic for both of us, and it feels like we’re drifting apart. She did suggest I join her workouts, but that’s not really what I mean by connection. Pushing myself at the gym or going on long runs isn’t how I envision bonding. The last time I proposed reducing her solitary activities, she got back at me by suggesting waking me up at 3 a.m. for sex next time she can’t sleep—saying it would be “the same thing.” How can we find a balance here? Sometimes, it feels like her sleep issues are taking priority.
—Missing Her
Dear Missing Her,
Your feelings are totally valid, but so is your wife’s dedication to addressing her insomnia—a problem that can really disrupt life. Honestly, your letter doesn’t convey much understanding. Have you ever been short on sleep? It affects everything. You might feel sluggish, struggle to make choices or finish tasks (especially creative ones), and yes, it can definitely affect your sex life. It seems you’re viewing this as a zero-sum game: if she spends too much time managing her sleep, there’s no time left for intimacy. However, if she’s sleep-deprived, she might not even be interested in sex. Supporting her through this struggle really benefits both of you. Should she just live with her insomnia and be miserable so you can have sex more often?
To start resolving this, consider her more and yourself less. Change how you speak about her habits. Running distance isn’t “crazy,” and if she’s focused on sleep, it’s because she genuinely needs it. Sleep is essential; it’s not just a nice-to-have. The way you describe her efforts comes off as if she’s indulging in hobbies or self-care, but in reality, she’s trying to manage a serious issue.
Sure, maybe she’s being a bit extreme in her quest to fix her insomnia, possibly using it as a way to gain some control in an otherwise frustrating situation. But she’s been on multiple paths that haven’t led anywhere, so her commitment to finding a solution makes sense. If you want to connect with her, engage in her fitness routine. You don’t have to match her intensity—just being together, even in the gym, can foster closeness. It’s not the same as sex, but it’ll help you avoid drifting apart. If she sees you making an effort, she might feel encouraged to put more energy into intimacy. Support her in carrying this burden; it’s what partners do.
If she thinks that waking you for sex at 3 a.m. is the same as you asking her to shift her focus, that might be her way of saying you’re not meeting her halfway. Consider giving first, even if it doesn’t immediately improve her sleep or lead to more intimacy. Still, your willingness to engage can strengthen your position in future discussions about your sex life. It shows that you care. It’s a longer approach, but then again, marriage is a long game.
—Rich
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