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Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m hoping for an outside opinion on this (which, I realize, might just be a reminder to stay in my lane). My wife and I are usually on the same page about parenting our 2.5-year-old, but we don’t agree on how long she should keep breastfeeding.
I started suggesting weaning when he was 18 months old; my wife was against it. But he was a great and curious eater from the moment we introduced solid foods, and his pediatrician has been happy with his weight and nutrition. At this point, it feels weird that he’s still breastfeeding twice a day when he’s old enough to eat real food. When I ask why she doesn’t want to wean him, she says he needs it as part of his bedtime and morning routines. We’ve never been into attachment parenting or anything like that, so this isn’t part of a bigger parenting philosophy. And usually, we do his routines together, but if I put him down for the night or feed him breakfast solo, he doesn’t ask for or cry for milk. That’s why I don’t think this is coming from him, I think it’s coming from her. But I can’t figure out what’s going on. What should I do here?
—Cautious Dad
Dear Cautious,
What you should do is tread carefully. Very, very carefully. Your suspicion that nursing at this point is for her, not him, is an indication that you understand very little about their bond or about breastfeeding itself (which has purposes and meets needs beyond “let’s just get through this until the baby can eat ‘real’ food!”). My guess is that your wife sees no point in trying to articulate for you what her continued nursing first thing in the morning and last thing at night means to both mother and child. She may not even be able to fully articulate it for herself. She may simply be following her instincts, and since you made it clear to her that you didn’t understand the nursing relationship when you told her you thought it was time to quit when the baby was a year and a half old, why would she think you’d be receptive to her saying that? Her response—that he needs to nurse “for his routine”—to your pushing her to wean him sounds to me like the sort of vague answer one gives when backed into a corner.
But 2.5 is not too old to nurse—or to want to nurse. Does he want to? It doesn’t sound like your wife is forcing him to (you don’t say anything in your letter that would suggest abuse). My guess is that he finds it comforting and soothing, still, at those times of day, and that when you’re the one doing the morning and nighttime routines, he knows that’s not on offer and he’s OK with it—but when Mom is at hand, he still wants that comfort and closeness, and some soothing during those times of transition. There is nothing wrong with that.
There are in fact benefits to extended breastfeeding. In addition to what I’ve already mentioned, and the nutritional boost (even above and beyond a healthy diet), the immunity boost, and other benefits for both child and mother, the ability to provide “clear fluids” (yes, breastmilk is one) to a child who is ill and cannot keep anything else down—or is too weak and too miserable to drink water from a cup—is one I have firsthand experience of. (I remember vividly nursing my own 2.5-year-old while she slept during a terrible bout of the flu, and how that kept her from needing IV fluids/hospitalization—and how terrified I was, two years later, when she was so sick with another bout of the flu that she became seriously dehydrated and did have to be taken to the hospital. How I longed for the days when, on my own, I could keep her hydrated!)
Child-led weaning is something plenty of nursing mother ascribe to (as I did). Sometimes the child wakes up one morning and just doesn’t want to nurse anymore. Other children will nurse for shorter and shorter periods, and with decreasing frequency (thus the milk supply decreases; it’s a supply and demand system) until, one day, there is no milk.
If your wife wants to let weaning be led by the child who’s nursing (instead of the husband who doesn’t play a role in this particular aspect of parenting), who are you to say she shouldn’t? Or is this the real problem for you—that you feel left out, and resentful about it? If so, that’s a problem for you to address, not one for your wife to solve for you.
—Michelle
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