Care and Feeding is a parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife, “Bridget,” and I have a nearly 2-year-old son, “Caiden.” We took him to the mall today to get a photo with Santa, but Caiden freaked out and had a meltdown. Bridget was upset and insists we have to try again because she wants a picture of him smiling with Santa for her parents. Our son is generally scared of strangers, and I’m worried that forcing it could lead to a lasting fear of Santa — a character he might enjoy later. How can I convince Bridget that we should wait until next year for this photo?
—Santa Shy
Dear Santa Shy,
First off, let’s put aside your son’s possible fear of Santa and focus on the bigger issue—your concerns about Bridget’s determination. Honestly, isn’t it a reasonable request to say, “Let’s not put Caiden (or that poor mall Santa) through another traumatic experience this year”? Are your in-laws really that obsessive about Santa? Will they be upset if Caiden can’t keep it together sitting on Santa’s lap?
Whatever the situation, you’re right to suggest to Bridget that there’s no rush for this photo and that it might be a little harsh to keep insisting when he’s clearly not ready. If she brushes off your concerns, you might just have to consider a more drastic measure—a little playful retaliation wouldn’t hurt, right?
No, no, don’t actually do that, obviously. Just remind her that you care about her and want to make this holiday season less stressful for Caiden. Good luck!
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a divorced dad with three kids: a 12-year-old boy and two girls, 11 and 8. I went through a psychiatric crisis during the divorce (I’m okay now), and as a result, my ex-wife has full custody. I only get to see the kids for four hours every weekend at my home. I feel a lot of pressure to make those moments count and be a good dad, given the limited time I have with them.
We do various activities together—watching cartoons, playing board games, chatting about school. Sometimes I have a football game on, and they just play on their own. They don’t care about sports, but occasionally they’re around to watch a bit before getting back to their own fun.
I struggle to engage fully in imaginative play, especially with the youngest, who is constantly creative. Sometimes, I simply don’t have the energy to join in on those active games.
This would be easier if I had more time with them, but I worry because I know their mom does so much for them—they have all those family outings and vacations while I only get these four hours. I feel I need to be “on” the whole time for both their sake and mine.
How do I balance being an involved dad while also allowing them some independence, even if it means letting them play alone sometimes?
—Appointment Dad
Dear Appointment Dad,
Your past crisis sounds incredibly tough. The fact that you’re still involved in your kids’ lives and healthier now is already a major win. I get the anxiety, but it’s impossible to be in “full dad mode” for four hours with three kids—so give yourself a break.
It helps that they’re old enough to keep busy on their own, so you don’t need to create elaborate activities to bond. Don’t overthink things! Plenty of dads who definitely aren’t “World’s Best Dad” still get those mugs.
Some days will just be less energetic or less filled with love than you hope, but that doesn’t mean you’re failing. Remember to take it easy on yourself and them. They’re glad to have you in their lives, and when they’re with you, sometimes the best thing is just letting everyone be. Everyone needs to recharge, including you.
—A.J.
More Parenting Advice From Slate
I’m feeling really sad. My youngest daughter, E (29), is mostly estranged but requires me to see her a few times a year. It’s distressing, but I want to be there when she needs me. The trouble is, she often makes offhand remarks that can sting. I’ve largely ignored them until now, but she recently said, “I basically raised myself from 13 on.” I’ve made some poor choices since then, which I’ve realized during therapy. She’s also in therapy, and I know my actions contributed to her needing it. But forgiveness doesn’t seem to be on her agenda.
