IIt’s time for the Police Federation of England and Wales to apply lavender oil to all pulse points, because ITV’s new comedy Piglet has just begun. When the title of the sitcom, which follows six rookie police officers as they enroll at the fictional Norborne Training School, was announced, the federation issued a swift and lengthy denunciation. One can only assume that the morning all investigations were closed, the last criminals in the country were jailed, and the police have been looking for new projects ever since. The federation said the show was “a terrible choice of words to use for a TV show title”, “deeply offensive to police officers who risk their lives every day to protect the public and provide emergency services”, “inflammatory in the face of growing threats and violence against police officers”, and “incredibly dangerous in fuelling further negativity and misinformation on public sector services that are already under enormous pressure”.
Now that the League has had a chance to watch the show, they may well realise that, given that the whims of the comedy gods have provided an abundance of material on the rampant corruption, blunders and general inadequacies of the police force on an almost daily basis in recent years, there is virtually nothing in the show to sour its members – other than that hurtful title, of course.
The new recruits include Geeta (Souk Kaur Ojla), a naive ex-caterina who joined to spend less time with her family, the driven Afia (Halema Hussain), aspiring actor Dev (Abdul Sesay) and graduate Steph (Carrie Cook), who joined to keep an eye on her ex-boyfriend Mike Gunn (Ukweli Roach), one of her college trainers. Then there’s Rego (Sam Pote), a reluctant follower in the footsteps of his senior police officers parents, and Paul (Jamie Bisping), the dim-witted heir to a local crime family.
Those in charge of training them are the respected Superintendent Julie Spree (Sarah Parish) and the largely powerless Bob Weeks (Mark Heap). There are trainers: Steph’s ex-boyfriend Mike and Daz (Ricky Champ), who’s been removed from official police work for an unspecified breach of duty (“technically, someone died”), and Melanie (Rebecca Humphreys), an administrator who literally groans at those who make demands on her until they go away.
Each episode is made up of weak storylines with a few good lines (Spree’s unexpected “Bob, wanna poop?” when finishing a pep talk for the team, or “Magic Mike, go ahead and try not to trip over your dick” as he unceremoniously fires Gunn from the office). In the first episode, Spree and Weeks learn that there is a spy among the new recruits and they must find him (cutting to Paul being greeted by his villainous father at the end of his first day and driven away in a car), while Steph tries to sabotage a budding relationship for Mike. In the second episode, the Chief Superintendent is fired for going to a Stephen Hawking costume party, starting a competition between Spree and Weeks for his job. Meanwhile, Paul has to try to steal a flash drive and Afia has to track down a lost pen. In the third scene, the recruits are issued with their uniforms and Steph forces Mike to use her as his partner to demonstrate how to restrain a suspect, almost as if they are having sex, and it becomes clear that Dev is (presumably) a virgin, and this viewer begins to feel weary.
Piglet was produced largely by the creative team behind Smack the Pony and Green Wing, and the distinctive ghosts of both shows are present in its attempts at surrealism and absolute ridiculousness. But it doesn’t work here, only embarrassing and sad. Melanie’s insane lust for Weeks is a pale imitation of Sue’s lust for Mac in the latter show, and even Heap’s normally natural weirdness feels forced. By the end of the first few episodes, you’re longing for Piglet to either stop toeing the line and embrace the absurd, or cut its losses and settle into normal sitcom territory. But in reality, it lands unsettled between two chairs, with a slightly uncomedic splatter.
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Piglets originally aired on ITV1 and is currently on ITVX.
