Understanding the Depth of Human Growth

Some individuals possess a quiet depth, a gentle openness to life’s complexities. They’ve softened over time, showing an ability to embrace contradictions, acknowledging that life isn’t about black-and-white answers. Conversations with them often leave you feeling enriched, almost like you’ve gained new insights.

Conversely, there are those who seem to have hardened. Their beliefs, once formed at 45, remain unchanged—even louder—at 70. They’ve ceased asking questions since they feel they already have all the answers. When faced with a challenge, they often become defensive or dismissive, displaying a strange anger towards a constantly evolving world.

Though they come from the same generation and similar backgrounds, the outcomes are vastly different.

What accounts for this disparity?

It’s not intelligence. Many sharp-minded individuals can become quite rigid. Education doesn’t fully explain it either—it’s not just about the number of books read or degrees earned.

Psychological insights suggest that the divide relates to a much more fundamental concept: whether a person has learned to tolerate discomfort.

What “Sitting with Discomfort” Actually Means

Psychologists refer to this ability as distress tolerance, which involves a person’s capacity to endure negative emotional or physical experiences—not to enjoy them or ignore them, but to remain present with them without an immediate urge to escape.

This tolerance isn’t solely about sadness or pain; it also encompasses dealing with uncertainty (“I don’t know how this will end”), ambiguity (“I’m not sure who’s right”), and the unease that arises when existing beliefs face challenges.

Research indicates that those with low distress tolerance often resort to avoidance. When faced with uncomfortable or uncertain situations, they quickly shift topics, react with anger, shut down, or cling tightly to beliefs that provide a sense of safety.

While such avoidance offers short-term relief, over the long run, it undermines the very process that fosters wisdom.

The Reality of Rigidity

Many believe that aging leads to rigidity due to neurological changes like slower processing and declining memory. While it’s true that older adults can struggle to adapt to new situations, research indicates significant variation exists. Some older individuals are more adaptable than many younger people, and not all decline in flexibility is inevitable; it greatly depends on individual choices and lifelong habits.

A longstanding study in the Canadian Journal on Aging found that social rigidity in older age, or difficulties in adapting relationally, correlated with poorer overall adjustments. Importantly, this rigidity can improve with interventions, showing that it’s not a fixed state but rather a pattern that can be altered.

The Connection Between Discomfort Tolerance and Wisdom

What does it take to continue psychological growth as one ages? What distinguishes the person who becomes deeper versus the one who grows hardened?

A 2025 study in Personality and Individual Differences revealed that ambiguity tolerance is a predictor for wisdom, even when accounting for other factors. Those who can endure unclear or contradictory situations are more inclined to develop sound judgment and perspective, qualities associated with wisdom.

This makes sense: wisdom involves more than knowledge—it’s the skill to navigate complex situations with no straightforward answers, where differing opinions coexist. Such abilities only grow through spending time in discomfort rather than avoiding it.

A comprehensive review on aging and wisdom in Frontiers in Aging Neuroscience pinpointed core wisdom components, such as emotional stability, self-reflection, and effectively coping with uncertainty. All three require a willingness to face discomfort directly. You can’t reflect if you don’t confront what you discover about yourself. Emotional stability suffers when you spend years evading difficult emotions.

The Pitfall of Avoidance

The irony is that the behaviors individuals adopt to shield themselves from immediate discomfort often hinder their long-term development.

Research on distress tolerance shows that low tolerance frequently leads to maladaptive coping strategies—avoidance, suppression, and rumination. Those who struggle with uncomfortable feelings tend not to process them, burying them or redirecting them through anger or blame, or hastily seeking certainty.

Yet, real certainty—the kind that requires no questioning—is largely an illusion. The more time passes, the harder it becomes to maintain this illusion as life presents new challenges. Individuals who anchor their identities in never being wrong or uncertain will find it increasingly difficult to uphold that facade as they age.

On the flip side, those who practice enduring discomfort over the years realize that feelings of uncertainty are manageable, that challenges to their views don’t threaten their identity. They can remain curious, change their minds, and accept not knowing.

Understanding Emotional Tolerance

It’s important to clarify that being able to tolerate discomfort doesn’t equate to being calm or passive. Deeply wise people can exhibit passion and intensity; they can be assertive and sure of their positions.

However, what sets them apart is their unwillingness to flee from difficult situations. They face challenging information, uncomfortable emotions, or tough choices head-on and let those realities sink in.

A psychologist specializing in uncertainty has suggested that merely acknowledging discomfort in a nonjudgmental way—instead of acting immediately—enhances emotional tolerance and leads to more thoughtful responses. Although this idea seems straightforward, it’s quite challenging, and many people struggle to practice it consistently.

Building Distress Tolerance

Fortunately, research indicates that distress tolerance isn’t a permanent trait; it can be nurtured. A systematic review of 106 studies found that various interventions effectively lowered distress intolerance, with reductions correlating with increased psychological flexibility.

Methods rooted in mindfulness, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and Dialectical Behavior Therapy have shown promising results. The central theme is learning to remain present during uncomfortable moments, avoiding the instinct to run away or fix things immediately.

This doesn’t necessarily require formal therapy, although that can help. It can be as straightforward as sitting with a strong opinion and genuinely contemplating what evidence might change your view, engaging in an uncomfortable conversation instead of avoiding it, or resisting the urge to chase certainty when you are unsure.

These moments may seem insignificant, but over time, they accumulate.

Those who grow wiser as they age aren’t necessarily the ones with the highest intellect; rather, they are those who embrace discomfort and never shy away from it.