How to Do It

Have a question? You can send it anonymously to Stoya and Rich.

Dear How to Do It,

I’m an older, single gay man who still gets approached for casual sex. But there’s something that isn’t obvious at first glance: I had prostate cancer two years back, and now, I can’t get hard. Nevertheless, I can still experience intense dry orgasms, and I focus on pleasuring my partner. Do you have any advice on how to explain this beforehand or during our first encounter? Turning people down is really disheartening, and some take it personally.

—It’s Not You, It’s My Dick

Dear It’s Not You, It’s My Dick,

Since you’re concentrating on your partner’s pleasure, I assume that means you’re bottoming, performing oral sex, or manual stimulation. You can hint that your penis won’t be the main act by simply identifying as “bottom” or “cocksucker.” If you’re using dating apps, you can add these descriptions to your profile. No need to delve into medical details right away, though if you want full transparency, that’s fine too. In person, the typical “What do you like?” chat should come up before things heat up, which gives you a chance to share. Remember, people often don’t have a concrete reason for why they enjoy certain roles; they just know what works for them.

If someone insists on a hard experience, just be straightforward and let them know that’s not what you’re into. If they feel rejected, that’s their issue to sort out. When it’s clear that you’ll be taking on a servicing role, mention your recent procedure right before things escalate. It might be best to keep it vague, as discussions about cancer aren’t the most romantic, but it’s up to you. While some might be disappointed, many will understand.

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a 38-year-old woman, mostly content in my marriage to my husband (who’s 41) for the past seven years. We have two small kids and full-time jobs. Lately, financial struggles due to some poor planning have added stress. I have a history of depression and, while medication helps, I’ve gained 50 pounds from juggling all this. I adore being a mom and cherish my husband deeply.

Yet, I feel absolutely no desire for intimacy with him. It’s been over a year since we’ve had sex. He always initiates, but my stress is overwhelming. Some days, even simple affection feels repulsive. There’s nothing wrong with him; I just don’t have any desire to connect physically anymore. Living in a small two-bedroom space adds to my constraints. I feel like I’m failing as a wife. It hasn’t always been this way. What can I do now?

—I Love You But Don’t Touch Me

Dear I Love You But Don’t Touch Me,

You have an impressive amount on your plate: parenting young children, work, and financial stress. You point towards exhaustion as a key factor in your waning desire for intimacy. There’s good and bad to this situation.

Firstly, the bright side is that stress is known to dampen sex drive, so you’re not alone or an outlier (nor are you the worst wife). Your sign-off reminds me of discussions about moms feeling “touched out” from constant physical demand. Does that resonate with you?

However, the not-so-great news is it will take effort to address this, which can be tough when you’re already feeling overwhelmed. What stands out is your indifference towards intimacy. Hypoactive sexual desire disorder refers to a consistent lack of sexual fantasies or urges, which leads to distress. But it seems you’re more focused on managing your lack of interest than trying to change it.

If you decide you want to tackle this, consider options like counseling (individually or together), medication designed to boost libido, or exploring literature to reignite the spark. All these resources can help if you’re open to them.

But if you firmly believe that sex is off the table now, you should communicate that with your husband. You may be resonating with asexuality, and it could be helpful to explore the concept further. This might offer an easier way to explain your feelings about sex without the inevitable misunderstandings that can arise.

Regardless of how you identify, your husband’s desires need addressing too. What will you both do if your sexual needs don’t align? Do you expect him to abstain forever? Are you open to considering an open relationship, or perhaps even separating? To sum it up, there are many paths to consider, but it’s essential to decide where you stand first.

Share Your Story With How to Do It!

Readers often provide great insights, offer disagreements, or simply want to help our letter writers. Each month, Stoya and Rich respond to some comments and suggestions. Feel free to write to us!

Dear How to Do It,

My husband insists I brush my teeth before he’ll kiss me after giving him oral sex. I find this a bit ridiculous. Isn’t he creating an unnecessary problem?

—Radioactive Mouth Until Cleaned

Dear Radioactive Mouth Until Cleaned,

He’s being a little finicky. It seems he’s trying to maintain a certain manly image, avoiding any lingering essence of intimacy after oral sex. This might be a chance for him to reflect on his feelings about masculinity—or the act itself—yet, getting him to discuss this could be challenging.

I’m not sure how successful you’ll be in shifting his viewpoint. Sometimes, aversion can be irrational. If it annoys you, remember it’s his preference. If he feels uncomfortable, the simplest solution is for you to brush your teeth before kissing him. If you don’t feel like it after sex, I get that—it’s understandable. But if you can muster the energy, a small concession might go a long way.

—Rich

Dear How to Do It,

I’m 45 and recently separated. I enjoy great sexual experiences, believing that kink can be remarkably healing. But I struggle to confront a partner when I notice something feels off. A few months ago, I met someone, and after a good first date, we went back to my place…