Watch a funeral scene in any TV show or movie, from 1915 to 2026. What stands out? You might notice grieving families dressed in formal black attire—men in suits, women in elegant dresses, sometimes with veils.
But let’s be real. In recent decades, this kind of respectful mourning has mostly disappeared. Many of us might joke or even laugh at occasions that used to be marked by somber decorum.
Funerals with a Twist
It’s rare that anyone experiences this level of seriousness firsthand at funerals today. It seems that in late 20th and early 21st century America, traditional etiquette fell by the wayside, often ridiculed by the more carefree attitudes of younger generations.
So, what did I see at the last funeral I attended? Men in casual jeans and flashy sneakers. Women in outfits that barely covered them, reminiscent of a schoolgirl’s uniform, but much less respectful.
Since the 1960s, we’ve embraced more revealing styles, apparently free from the weight of tradition. Nothing seems off-limits, not even in the case of death, which used to command a certain respect in attire.
Perhaps it’s time we reconsider our approach. Etiquette isn’t just an outdated notion; it’s a framework for society. Without it, things can devolve into chaos. Look at our urban landscapes today—it’s clear that this erosion of norms may lead us somewhere concerning.
Reflection on Funerals
Having spent two decades as the director of a nonprofit dedicated to funeral consumer rights, I’ve seen the industry from a unique perspective. It’s similar to a consumer advocacy group, but focused solely on funerals. Our mission was to educate people about how to make meaningful and affordable choices during these challenging moments.
Losers, in a sense. Americans collectively spend over $20 billion on funerals every year. The pressure to spend can easily lead grieving families into the hands of exploitative practices—think overpriced caskets or misleading services.
One of my mentors, Lisa, was a tough, no-nonsense character who taught me the ins and outs of this field. We would often meet late at night, sharing a glass of wine while unraveling the ridiculousness of the funeral business.
When I first met her, she expressed her belief that “modern” consumers want unique funerals. “Baby boomers aren’t going to settle for boring anymore,” she said.
Shifting Attitudes
Over the years, I’ve connected with over 10,000 families seeking advice on funeral arrangements. A vast majority wanted to avoid overspending, but many also wondered, “What’s the right way to do this?”
This question, although seemingly straightforward, highlights a more concerning trend. “Our way” of handling death has evolved into a set of beliefs that have shifted dramatically over time.
- Describing someone as “dead” can feel too harsh; phrases like “passed away” have taken over.
- Funerals are often viewed as relics of the past, replaced by more celebratory events.
- Why worry about what others think? This is about you, not the pain of your loved ones.
In essence, we’ve come to treat death as merely a chapter in an ongoing journey. By maintaining this illusion, we can distance ourselves from the reality of loss.
Confronting the Truth
But, let’s face it—this approach is misleading. We can’t simply throw a party to mask our sorrow, leaving mourners feeling lost. We’ve dismantled age-old structures surrounding death without truly understanding their purpose.
Should I send invitations to the funeral? Is it acceptable to miss the wake? What sort of photos are okay for presentations? Can I play my dad’s love songs from the ’50s? Is it wrong to think my granddaughter shouldn’t show up in a casual halter top?
We’ve gotten carried away by the notion that “personalization” is key. But in a crisis, what we really need is a clear structure—something our past traditions provided.
Embracing Grief
Judith Martin, better known as Miss Manners, has long held a keen perspective on this topic. In her writings, she captures what I’m trying to convey, perhaps more gracefully. “Death is not the time to improvise,” she asserts. Traditions are there to guide the grieving and offer support when emotions run high.
Interestingly, she also acknowledges that while many lean toward a “celebration of life,” this trend can detract from the genuine sadness that accompanies loss.
“Don’t force brightness. This loss is a tragedy, and grieving should feel natural,” she advises. Even though black has become a less frequent color for mourning in America today, she notes that it’s perfectly acceptable to wear white—if that resonates with you.
But here’s my take: let’s stick with traditional colors and respect the occasion. This isn’t about your comfort. It’s about honoring those left behind and acknowledging their pain.
So, let’s return to the norm—back to black.
