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Dear How to Do It,
I’m a male, and when I engage in masturbation, the moment I approach orgasm, my thoughts go into overdrive. I become preoccupied with whether the orgasm is satisfactory, analyzing my actions leading up to it. It baffles me why I’m considering these factors at such an intimate moment. Soon after, my mind shifts to work-related issues or weekend plans, even while I’m still experiencing the pleasure. What is going on here? Is there some sort of chemical reaction in my brain that energizes the logical side of me?
—In My Head
Dear In My Head,
Honestly, I can’t provide a definitive answer to this. It’s not a common enough experience to definitively state anything (and if it were, you wouldn’t be asking). I can suggest a possible explanation that might help you manage it, but you’ll need to decide if this is something you’d like to address. Your description suggests that it might not disturb you significantly, so perhaps these racing thoughts are just a normal occurrence. But if you’re interested in understanding the post-orgasm mental rush, here are some thoughts.
Interestingly, one group that reports a somewhat similar experience is those with OCD. Would you label these thoughts as “intrusive”? They do seem to intrude, especially considering your focus on the orgasm. It might be worthwhile to reflect on whether you’ve noticed this kind of thinking elsewhere in your life, or if it’s unique to this situation. It could have a connection to OCD.
OCD is often misdiagnosed, according to psychologist Dr. Monnica Williams. She noted that people with OCD can fixate on various subjects, beyond the typical ones like cleanliness or organization. It’s a diverse disorder, making accurate identification challenging. Research suggests that if symptoms don’t appear in commonly recognized forms, they can be overlooked.
Dr. Williams mentioned that what you’re experiencing could potentially be OCD, but this is just a suggestion — not a diagnosis. People with OCD typically fixate on what matters most to them or aligns with their identity. If sexual activity is important for you, perhaps it makes sense that those thoughts are amplified at such moments. It’s also worth noting that if these intrusive thoughts only occur during orgasm, it could hint at an OCD connection. Interestingly, a PET scan can show elevated brain activity in those grappling with OCD, indicating potential overstimulation, though linking this intensity to logic is debatable.
Recognizing whether this is OCD is vital since there are therapeutic options available, such as exposure and response prevention. If Dr. Williams were treating someone with your concerns, she might recommend this: after orgasming, you would tell yourself, “That was a terrible orgasm — oh well.” By doing the opposite of your usual pattern, you’d disrupt the cycle. Practicing mindfulness could be beneficial here to help you navigate and redirect your thoughts. Even without pursuing OCD treatment, I’d advocate for mindfulness — it might make it easier to manage those racing thoughts.
If you’re inclined to explore OCD further, Dr. Williams suggests reaching out to the International OCD Foundation for specialists trained in treating this condition. Dr. Williams also directs the New England OCD Institute, which features a self-test that could be insightful for you.
Dear How to Do It,
My boyfriend (we’re both men) recently proposed something that has me feeling both intrigued and uneasy. He wants to try fisting me. I identify as a bottom, and I’m not sure this is a good idea. Sure, women can be fisted, but, well, vaginas can handle births. The rear, I think, isn’t designed for such things. Is this something that can be safe for a gay couple?
—That’s a Lot
Dear That’s a Lot,
Yes, indeed, some men enjoy fisting. For some, it’s an occasional thrill, while for others, it might be an everyday affair—the gay community is diverse, and there’s a place for all kinds of experiences.
Regarding safety: it can be safe, provided it’s done properly, but risks are involved. Dr. Carlton Thomas mentioned in a previous column that many long-term issues stem from injuries, rather than permanent alterations to the body. The anus has a remarkable ability to recover, but injuries can still happen, including bleeding, tears, and hemorrhoids, as noted by Dr. Evan Goldstein. He warns against the use of large or stiff objects that might damage the bodily structures involved.
Using large toys or attempting fisting carries inherent risks. Any rigid or lengthy object might not navigate the natural curves of the colon effectively and could result in severe injury requiring emergency procedures. Additionally, substantial objects can harm the sphincter muscle, potentially leading to bowel control issues.
And, similar to other anal activities, pain and STI transmission are real possibilities.
Many men love fisting and discover a deep connection through it, sometimes finding that the added risk enhances the experience. But be cautious—this isn’t something for beginners. If you’re feeling hesitant, it may indicate you’re not ready. Dr. Thomas advises finding someone experienced in fisting, someone who can guide you and assist in the process. If your boyfriend lacks this experience, you might consider involving a more experienced partner who can mentor both of you. Communication, an abundance of lubricant, and protective gear, like gloves, are crucial. It’s unlikely you’ll manage a full fist right away; gradual progression is key, so a patient and knowledgeable partner is essential. Assess your fisting partner’s expertise beforehand to ensure you’re in capable hands.
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Dear How to Do It,
A month ago, my husband and I stayed at my sister’s place out of town. We accidentally left a cock ring behind. I’ve gone through our bags multiple times, but it’s nowhere to be found. Since we brought it with us, I’m convinced it must be lost there. She hasn’t mentioned it, and it’s rather embarrassing to ask if she found it. My husband thinks I should just ask; after all, we’re grown-ups—she knows about sex. Should I? Is he right?
—Ring Ruckus
Dear Ring Ruckus,
I genuinely love the idea that a cock ring holds sentimental value. It kind of feels like a more mature Toy Story. Just picture all those toys grappling with the thought of being discarded! Anyway, did the Toy Story movies ever suggest we should be less attached to our belongings? I can’t recall such a message—not in my memory; they seem to champion our connections to inanimate objects. While it might be easier to just purchase another cock ring, thus avoiding this awkward conversation with your sister, I recognize that might be hard to do.
However, I lean toward your husband’s recommendation. Just ask her. You could choose not to specify that it’s a cock ring — refer to it as jewelry or a ring instead. You could even say something like, “We left something behind.” Make it as uncomfortable for you as you need, but remember, you both are adults. It could feel a bit awkward if discussions about sex are typically off the table, but she should not hold it against you.
—Rich
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