Differences in perspective are good in any relationship, but no one benefits when disagreements escalate to unspeakable words.
But keeping dissenting opinions from turning into drama is easier said than done. Even Joseph Glenny, author of the constructive conflict handbook Crucial Conversations, admit I spent the night on the couch protesting the toothpaste splattered on my mirror.
Here, readers share their most effective techniques for defusing heated arguments and prioritizing resolution, from hand signals to bringing in an outside perspective to quieting your inner teenager. Masu.
don’t get irritated
Ever since we started dating, we’ve always had a rule: “Don’t get irritated.” This means approaching problems as problems to be solved together, rather than as a way to fight each other. Not getting irritated also means trying to have adult conversations instead of yelling at each other. Going for a walk to clear your head is also a good strategy.
Anonymous, Australia
Rest
My husband makes hand signals at the tent to show that he thinks I’m nervous. I will take a break even if you object. We may compare theoretical mathematical models of our positions to ensure that the proposed solutions are fair. We both like mathematics.
kelly, melbourne
talk about the core of the problem
Don’t get hung up on discussing details. Get to the heart of the issue and discuss it directly. For example, if your partner is frequently late and is making you angry, ask them about how much specifically they’re late, how often they’re late, or whether they think they can make excuses for being late. Don’t rush into a hole and argue. If the real issue is that you feel like the other person is not prioritizing you or not valuing your time, then get straight to the point and say that you feel like you are not important to them. Please tell me. This method will save you a lot of time.
Anonymous, Australia
control volume
The best thing we can do to avoid a divisive atmosphere is to connect with each other by bonding and listening every day. There’s definitely a connection between the weeks my wife and I are away from each other (work trips, dinner parties, etc.) and the weeks we fight more.
If a fight starts and I want to de-escalate, I know to control the tempo and volume of my voice and ask questions to understand her point of view. This isn’t always easy, but it usually works.
Ben, Queensland
A company that mediates transactions
We went to counseling many times and learned to try to deal with things using our “adult selves” rather than our “angry toddler” or “impatient teenager” selves. If I see us scoring against each other, I take a deep breath and say, “Look, we’re keeping score, something’s wrong, let’s talk about it.”
When I see him starting to boil, I often say to him, We are intelligent people. ”
This usually opens the door for us to discuss things. We both agree that no matter how long it takes, let the other person finish talking completely about how they feel, without interrupting. This is very difficult. After we have listened to each other’s opinions, I say: “Okay, how can we both come out of this situation with at least what we both want?”
Then we go for a long walk and feel better about each other.
Anonymous, Australia
Have a safe phrase
I touch his arm lightly and say, “Be careful.” This is a safe word. He knows from previous arguments that he has to look me in the eye, listen and try to answer. If you don’t, I’ll start screaming hysterically. He hates that.
Rebecca (Italy)
Don’t forget where you’re going
I remember what my father said to me. “Is being right worth it?” Then I take a deep breath and remind myself that the destination is the same, just the route is different.
She is absolutely right, so I try to listen to her seriously before apologizing.
One way I try to diffuse things is to stop arguing about the issue and start talking to her about how her reaction makes me feel. Afterwards, she usually talks about how my argument is making her feel. Once this becomes public, the conflict usually stops.
Discuss this issue later if you wish. When we look back on it, we often find that the passion is lacking. If the passion is still there, rinse and repeat.
-Anonymous, Netherlands
Quotes have been edited for structure, clarity, and length.
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