A high school buddy of mine once told me that if you want to call yourself a man’s man (and a good golfer, for that matter), you need to finish a bottle of Turk ‘N Jerk (Wild Turkey handle mixed with red Gatorade) before you finish 18 holes of golf. You must also break 90 and avoid a triple bogey.
I’d reckon about .001% of the male population is capable of such a feat. I, myself, have only achieved it three times in my life. Once, at my high school state championships, where I lost by a stroke. Another time, in Scottsdale, Arizona, during a boy’s golf trip with my brother and brother-in-law. The third time was a blur. I believe I was playing a round at a public course outside Chattanooga and got paired with a man who called himself Toothless Joe and his second cousin, a bona fide dwarf named Scooter Williams. All three of us shot in the high 70s. (Click HERE to sign up for Mr. Right’s weekly newsletter)
HS State championship. I stole a bottle of Wild Turkey from my pop’s liquor cabinet, mixed it with red Gatorade. We call that Turk N Jerk down south. Drank about half before I teed off. by the turn, my swing was smoother than a room temp stick of butter. I was throwing darts left… https://t.co/j8v0BEnIaN
— Mr. Right (@mrrightdc) September 20, 2024
However, there is another golf-drinking challenge that I use as a benchmark for manhood and golf ability. It’s not as daunting as 18-hole Turk ‘N Jerk. It’s more forgiving. It — hopefully — won’t get you blackout drunk; won’t turn you into a traffic light during a category-5 hurricane. Yet it’s still challenging, still daring enough to test your aptitude as a golfer and handler of booze.
It goes as follows. For every green missed on a par 3, you must shotgun a beer. You must also break 100 and avoid any quadruple bogeys.
Although I have completed this challenge on too many occasions to count, for the average weekend golfer, it is not as easy as it sounds. When you have beer sloshing throughout your system, a long par 3 feels even longer. A short par 3 over water becomes the hardest hole you will ever face — as if it’s the final round of a U.S. Open with millions of dollars in prize money at stake. And once you start missing greens, the compounding effect of multiple shotguns could very well blow up your entire round. It sneaks up on you. All of a sudden, you are shirtless in a green-side bunker, ranting about your ex-wife’s heat curlers, holding a driver instead of a sand wedge.
That’s what happened to Toothless Joe, at least.
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