I'm not good at Christmas shopping, but my wife is, and coincidentally, all three of our sons are. They know I'm always home, so the presents they order arrive at my door one after another.
I don't shop much, so when I finally get outside around Christmas time, I inevitably gravitate toward things I might like or need, like gadgets, toiletries, or new shoes. If you're not careful, you might end up leaving with only presents for yourself. However, this cannot be achieved without going outside.
“I’m going shopping,” my wife said this morning, leaning against the door of my office storeroom.
“But I was going to go shopping today,” I said. “You went shopping yesterday.”
“Ray will be here around noon,” she says. Ray works as a window cleaner.
“Wait, so I'm stuck here waiting to let Ray in?” I say.
“That’s right,” my wife says.
“I was waiting for Ray last week,” I said. “And he never showed up.”
“He had the bug,” she says. “good bye.”
For at least 20 years, Ray has been cleaning the windows in his home twice a year on a schedule he sets. He is a keen Queens Park Rangers supporter and considers me a keen Chelsea fan as my sons are Chelsea fans. I broadly support Chelsea's goals, but I don't really follow the developments. As a result, I couldn't gather enough soccer chats to get a haircut.
Ray doesn't seem to notice it. Twice a year, when he comes to clean the windows in my office cupboard, we have a heated 15-minute discussion about the fate of Chelsea and QPR, and I make no real contribution to it. No. My impostor is transparent like a clean glass plate, but Ray can't seem to see through it. Maybe he just thinks I'm being unfriendly.
Something happened to me. I've never managed regular soccer interactions with Ray, and I've also never had two hours' notice like I do now. Type “Chelsea” into Google.
I am shocked by what I saw. Lo and behold, after five wins on the trot, I think we came in second. How could I have missed this? And QPR currently sit near the bottom of the Championship. Poor Ray!
I create a little cheat sheet on a piece of paper. Latest scores, upcoming matches, notable goals and the name of QPR manager Marti Cifuentes. I try to imagine conversational scenarios where I might need to spell it out.
I make a mental note to review all this information within an hour, but I lose track of time. At one point I got a text from Ray saying he was on his way, but it didn't show up until noon.
By the time I got to the front door, Ray and his son were already outside and had set up a ladder in front of the house.
“Hi, Ray,” I say.
“He’s here,” Ray says. “Happy Chelsea Boy!” I think: This is fast approaching me.
“Yes,” I say. “We had a good result.”
“You're second!” he says.
“Yeah,” I say. “Defensively it's still shocking, but that hardly seems to matter.”
“It’s not the way Palmer scores,” he says. “He scores because he’s funny!”
“So, Jackson,” I say. “But you may not be very happy these days.”
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“It was horrible,” he says. “We had a lot of injuries.”
“There’s still plenty of time,” I said. “And now you've got that Japanese guy.” That name escapes me. My cheat sheet is in my office.
“Yes,” said Ray's son. “He's good.”
“Who is this guy on secondment?'' I say, already knowing the answer.
“Yes, yes,” says Ray.
I think this. This is one of the most successful relationships of the year, but you need an exit strategy.
“Ray, what's best?” I say. “Should I leave the garden door open so I can come in whenever I want?”
“Don't worry,” Ray says.
“Okay,” I say. “See you there.”
Ray arrives at my office door about 20 minutes later. I'm ready to discuss the possibility of QPR signing a player called Saito, but Rea is done with football. If your team kept up QPR's form, you might too. Instead, we spend 10 minutes exchanging holidays and sick things while he squeezes the inside of my window. When he was done, he threw the rag over his shoulder and shook my hand.
“See you in the spring,” he says.
My wife will be home in an hour.
“Have you talked to Ray?” she says.
“I certainly thought so,” I say.
“You can go shopping now,” she says. “Your turn.”
I think this. One day of human interaction is enough.
