Reflections on Motherhood

Since the birth of my daughter, I’ve aimed to become the best version of myself, hoping to provide her with the best chances for a fulfilling life. There’s this constant fear that my own weaknesses could hinder her emotional or spiritual growth. Yet, I hold onto the belief that, with Jesus, anything is possible through God’s grace.

The recent trial of Lindsay Clancy has intensified my thoughts on this responsibility.

In January 2023, Clancy was involved in a tragic incident where she took the lives of her three young children in Massachusetts. The trial concluded in September with a mistrial, as jurors could not reach a consensus on her criminal liability. Her defense claimed she was grappling with postpartum psychosis.

While the crime was shocking, the public reaction left me unsettled. Hundreds of women gathered outside the courthouse in support of Clancy, sharing how they resonated with her struggles as a mother.

Raising awareness about postpartum mental illness is crucial, and mothers who are in distress truly deserve support; serious mental health issues can be life-altering. Still, I couldn’t shake the feeling that a case involving the deaths of three innocent children had evolved into something primarily focused on the mothers’ needs and traumas.

Putting Children First

In a healthy society, the murder of three children should be primarily seen as a tragedy for them. We could discuss the legal intricacies, such as Clancy’s criminal responsibility or the importance of recognizing and treating postpartum psychosis. Yet, it seems society has shifted the focus to how mothers are treated, pushing the children into the background.

This response worries me because it may reflect a broader issue in our perceptions of parenting. Increasingly, we wonder why children don’t fit into the lives we want to lead instead of recognizing that having children demands that we adapt our lives for their benefit.

For me, motherhood has been an ongoing journey of transformation. I’ve questioned many values I held before becoming a mother, letting go of certain habits and ambitions that could distract me from my responsibilities.

I’ve also learned that transformation has to start from within. Without Jesus guiding my thoughts and actions, I struggle to meet my daughter’s needs. Each day, I aim to set aside my ego and be a bit less self-centered — to find a balance without losing my sanity.

Alongside prayer, I’ve adopted some practical strategies that have helped me along this path.

Losing the Smartphone

Long before I became a parent, I noticed many mothers engrossed in their smartphones, seemingly neglecting their children. I promised myself I would dispose of mine before having kids. So, on my wedding day, I took a hammer to my smartphone as a symbol of my commitment to motherhood.

This choice has positively shaped my parenting journey. By avoiding screens, I’ve noticed improvements in my sleep patterns and focus. I’ve also freed up considerable time for activities I cherish, like reading and knitting.

Surprisingly, I’ve slept better than I anticipated during pregnancy and after my daughter was born. Even with frequent nighttime interruptions, I generally feel rested. I believe my ability to fall asleep quickly is tied to not spending my evenings glued to a screen.

Equally important is that I haven’t been subjected to a barrage of TikTok parenting advice, which often fosters unnecessary anxiety and prompts me to buy things I don’t actually need.

I rely on my instincts, with input from trusted friends and mentors, to navigate motherhood, making it feel relatively manageable.

Our daughter also lives screen-free. But she enjoys listening to the radio, which she dances to. This way, I don’t see that vacant stare so common in kids anymore; she’s vibrant and curious, full of life and energy.

I was initially concerned that getting rid of my smartphone might affect my connections with friends, but I don’t regret my decision. I still have a flip phone, allowing me to have meaningful conversations, and I feel more present and engaged with my daughter.

This approach, combined with better sleep and more time for my interests, has helped me successfully juggle my full commitment to motherhood while holding onto my passions.

Embrace Household Chores

Maintaining a daily routine for household tasks has provided me with grounding, helping me stay present in the moment. Since I don’t use a dishwasher, I hand wash the dishes after meals and tackle a bit of laundry every morning.

Doing chores manually keeps me focused and serves as a way of expressing love for my husband and daughter through the care I take with our clothing and dishes.

While these may seem like mundane tasks, I’ve intentionally chosen items that I love, turning household management into a nurturing activity that I genuinely adore.

The items we wear and use reflect my choices, acting as reminders of my role. By carefully taking care of my belongings, I cultivate an ongoing sense of gratitude.

And, when I feel out of sorts, a glance at an object around me can prompt a quick prayer, helping me regain my perspective and adjust my mood.

Foster Space for Secure Attachment

Downgrading my phone and purposefully managing my home environment has allowed me to create a peaceful space for bonding with my daughter. There are fewer distractions, less rushing, and fewer opportunities for stress-induced reactions.

Additionally, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, and baby-wearing have all contributed to this experience.

I wouldn’t label myself as particularly “crunchy,” but these methods allow me to stay close to my daughter while still engaging in my hobbies. They enhance our bond and make my life easier. Plus, I get more sleep while minimizing chores!

Co-sleeping has been simple for us, especially with a king-size bed on the floor. I’ve never had to worry about her rolling off, and there’s enough space for my husband and me to have time together as well. The ease of breastfeeding has allowed both of us to rest while she nurses during the night.

Breastfeeding has allowed me to read almost 30 books since she was born! Imagine if I had had a smartphone instead!

And baby-wearing? Absolutely essential. My baby is very much attached to me, so if I want to avoid the cry-it-out approach, wearing her has been key. It’s also helped me regain some core strength!

During her first six months, I wore her on my chest while cleaning or sewing, and now I use a backpack carrier to have her on my back.

Every day, we do everything together; going for long walks and chatting as we move through our routines. No matter how I feel in the morning, I always greet my daughter with a smile, and she responds with equal enthusiasm.

As her sense of safety grows, she’s starting to explore independently, playing by herself while I remain within sight, allowing me to handle my tasks without her worrying.

It’s a joy to see her confidently discovering the world, knowing I’m right there if she needs me.

The Joy of Sacrifice

Becoming a mother has made me acutely aware of how often society views children as obstacles to adult happiness. We are often urged to chase our dreams, assert our independence, and prioritize self-care. Not that these pursuits are bad, but children have their own needs, which sometimes call for sacrifices we wouldn’t typically want to make.

This sacrifice has ultimately brought me more joy than I could have ever anticipated. My life may feel smaller in some aspects, yet it’s so much richer in others. I’ve let go of my smartphone, slowed my pace, and found contentment in the everyday tasks of caring for my family. Through it all, I have not lost myself; instead, I’ve discovered how much of my former self I can happily do without.

I often think about the three children involved in the Clancy case, who have become lost in the discussions surrounding their death. Regardless of the debates over their mother’s mental state or legal responsibility, those children deserved a safe and nurturing environment. They deserved to grow up.

Every day, I strive to give my daughter that same opportunity. I know I will make mistakes, and there will be times I don’t meet my own expectations. But I’m committed to evolving into the mother my daughter needs, rather than expecting her to adapt to the mother I am.