As a middle-aged woman who feels content with her life choices, I can’t help but feel a bit embarrassed about how often I catch myself envying what I see on Instagram. You know, other authors’ book deals, dream vacations in the Dolomites—it’s almost silly, really. I’ve even envied people playing mahjong, and honestly, I have no desire to play that game.
I’ve always been aware that envy is considered one of the deadly sins. There’s that saying in Proverbs, “A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.” And, well, I usually don’t feel very peaceful; I feel more… aggrieved.
But let’s face it, living alongside other people makes it pretty tricky to avoid envy. Stacy S. Kim, a social scientist and author of an upcoming book called “Envy,” mentioned that social comparisons are essential for learning to coexist in a community. When we compare ourselves, we often end up looking up to those who seem to be doing better or having more. The catch is that we often don’t take the time to analyze our envy. Kim points out that we might feel shame about it, which leads us to dismiss those feelings altogether.
Interestingly, psychologists suggest that envy doesn’t have to be a negative emotion at all. We can, in fact, harness it constructively. According to Dr. Kim, in her home country of Korea, there’s another term for envy that means motivation rather than resentment. She says, “Envy is not just wanting. It’s an alarm bell that shows you what’s important to you.”
So, instead of wallowing in bitterness and self-pity, maybe we can turn envy into a catalyst for positive change. Here are some steps to consider.
Dig Deeper
When we take a moment to reflect on our envy, we often discover the underlying desires that are tied to it, as noted by Steven J. Sandage, a psychology professor at Boston University.
Sometimes our envy can reveal unexpected insights. W. Gerrod Parrott, a psychology professor at Georgetown University, suggests that the tug of envy might indicate something we didn’t realize we valued. For instance, Dr. Kim once envied her friends’ beautifully designed kitchens, but she learned that what she really valued was cooking efficiently. Instead of a full renovation, she simply opted for an air fryer.
Steer Clear of Malice
Experts often differentiate between benign and malicious envy—wanting something versus wishing misfortune on someone who has it. I’ll admit, I’m guilty of quietly judging those who seem more successful than I am. Yet, as Dr. Parrott points out, the latter kind is more harmful to our well-being.
We often find ourselves envying those who are similar to us, like that colleague who received a promotion or the parent who seems to have it all together. Sure, it can feel a bit gratifying to see someone like that stumble. But, unfortunately, that kind of schadenfreude doesn’t bring any real emotional or spiritual benefit, according to Dr. Sandage. Being petty doesn’t lead anywhere good, either.
Instead, try to focus on what you can learn from that person’s success, whether it’s a skill they possess or a fitness routine they follow. Just remember, it’s not a competition. Dr. Parrott emphasizes that if you only aim to outdo others, it can feel like an exhausting race.
Exercising empathy can also be incredibly beneficial. Dr. Sandage advises us against idealizing others’ lives. It’s easy to look at someone and think, “Their life is just perfect,” but underneath every carefully curated photo often lurks a messy reality.
Talk It Out
Processing your envy can bring up other tough emotions, such as grief over unfulfilled relationships or shame about not achieving certain health goals. Dr. Sandage suggests reaching out to trusted friends or a professional to help navigate these feelings. Since envy can feel quite shameful, it’s often not a topic we discuss openly.
Let others provide perspective and remind you of the positive aspects of your life. However, it’s important to recognize that shifting from envy to gratitude isn’t always simple. Dr. Sandage notes you may need people who can sit with you during the tougher times first.
Eventually, I realized that my feelings about mahjong weren’t really about the game itself. I didn’t want to play, but I did miss regular hangouts with good friends. That’s something I can definitely work on—and maybe it’s something worth envying.
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