Wow, spring intercollegiate football is now on afternoon television, and in the middle of final exams! How do scholarship athletes manage to juggle it all?!
Now that paying bail is no longer a necessity for big-city criminals, I hope to commit a few acts of trespassing misdeeds to leave my mark on Robin Hood’s newfound psyche before he goes bankrupt, both financially and morally.
My first stop was the Fox Sports college football studio show. I stormed into the area where graphics were typed and posted, and as regular panelist Urban Meyer spoke, I gave the national audience some information never before seen on TV. Here’s what happened:
“Head coach of the 2008 national champion Florida Gators. According to the New York Times, 41 players from that team were arrested. 41! That’s all it took for Meyer to succeed and make millions more.”
“He then took over as coach at his alma mater, Ohio State, where at least eight more players were arrested. Reports said the man had physically abused his wife, but Meyer didn’t fire his friend as an assistant coach — or at least not until several weeks after the allegations were made public, after he was pressured by the school and his wife obtained a restraining order.”
“No matter,” I continued typing, “we at Fox were immediately knocking on his door to hire him before any other network.”
And just for the fun of a little intrusion, I conclude with this: “When Meyer left Ohio State, he taught a course titled ‘Leadership and Character.’
And I conclude with this: “That was back when Division I football still had rules that could be ignored or worked around. There are no rules anymore. Do what you like, but make sure you have a lot of money to recruit players, even if it’s only for a few games. The ability to read, write, and speak intelligible English is completely optional for admission, unless it’s coincidental.”
And it would be remiss not to acknowledge that the responsibility for the utter corruption of college sports lies with billionaire university leaders like Meyer and the television networks (who pay billions in broadcast rights fees and have poorly hired and poorly trained announcers).
“It was inevitable,” Howard Cosell said upon the death of “Papa Bear” George Halas at age 88.
And I conclude my live graphic stealth with: “Oh yeah, sports fans, college football and basketball, guys and girls (trying to type “college” while stifling a laugh), will soon collapse under the weight of greed, corruption and financial ruin. Aargh!”
He then hops in a waiting getaway car and races to TNT’s NBA studios to operate the graphics machine during TNT’s playoff coverage, and as special playoff guest Draymond Green speaks, he writes sentences like this:
“During his NBA career, Green has been fined nearly $1 million for repeated and violent misconduct, lost an estimated $3.2 million due to multiple suspensions and been ejected from 21 games.”
“He’s also a team-first player. Just on March 27th, with Green’s Warriors desperately trying to make the playoffs, he was ejected four minutes into the game for his second technical foul!”
“He’s also a vulgar, name-calling instigator, calling ESPN’s Kendrick Perkins a ‘raccoon.'”
“That’s why TNT, our partner with the NBA, has chosen to keep Green in the spotlight and heard throughout these playoffs!”
“He is the player who best represents the great respect TNT has for the NBA, its players, management, owners and fans. Draymond Green is a perfect fit for TNT viewers, meeting our highest standards!”
Like NFL and University of Miami “great” Warren Sapp, who was hired to bring attention to the NFL Network despite, or maybe because of, a history of vulgar, violent, and nasty things that might make Green jealous.
Sapp was recently hired as an assistant football coach at Colorado State, mentoring young people at the invitation of God’s agent and charter school fraudster Deion Sanders, but was eventually fired by the NFL Network. “He was arrested at a Phoenix hotel after an argument that turned violent. Reports said Sapp had had a disagreement with two women, who were allegedly escorts, over payment. He was arrested on one count of soliciting prostitution and two counts of assault.”
Maybe he was in financial trouble after previously lavishing money on himself and not paying child support. Was the NFL Network the last to know? Not likely. If anything, he was exactly the type of guy the network wanted!
I rushed from TNT to ESPN to hear P.K. Saban riff on the network’s Stanley Cup studio show, grabbed ESPN’s graphics machine and typed the following into the live audience:
“Saban was known as one of the dirtiest players in recent NHL history. His ‘slew-foot’ sneak attacks – targeting the back of an opponent’s leg, particularly the ankle – led to injuries and frequent fines.”
“The very egotistical Saban has berated his players at least twice during these playoffs for, um, ‘dirty plays.'”
Then I walked into the room where the ESPN laughter tracker was located and pressed the “on” button.
But sensible sports fans have long learned that they shouldn’t expect anything more from television than the people who least value it.
Why? Tell me.
Olson’s Emmy win means nothing
Greg Olsen, who has served as Fox’s lead NFL commentator for the past two seasons despite being widely criticized for talking nonstop throughout his three-hour broadcasts, recently won his second Sports Emmy Award for Best Live Event Commentator.
But I learned a long time ago not to take the Sports Emmy Awards too seriously, when Channel 7’s zany and often last-minute sportscaster and weatherman Spencer Christian beat out Channel 4’s Marv Albert for Best Local Sportscaster.
Book lover and radio host Jody Davis: “I loved Domino’s New York Style Pizza ad during the NBA playoffs, which features Yutz dipping a slice of pizza in ranch dressing.”
“You know, like a New Yorker.”
Think about it: Bob Wischusen has been a strong, steady, reliable presence as ESPN’s play-by-play announcer throughout these Stanley Cup Playoffs. Steady, unpretentious, and just plain good.
But as the radio voice of the Jets, he has chosen to be heard as a madman screaming like a madman, going far beyond the usual home runs and Jets first downs, causing him to erupt in instant hysterics and suddenly frightening motorists.
Or is it that Jets radio listeners don’t deserve a dignified broadcast?
The Yankees aren’t the only team swept up in the stream.
Thanks Rob. It’s Friday. Yankees Friday night games have often been missed by viewers unwilling or unable to break through the streaming premium, but the Red Sox have also made their two most recent Friday night games available on Apple+, and will stream another Friday night game exclusively later this month.
It’s quiz time. The French Open tennis is currently being held at the Roland Garros stadium. Who was Roland Garros? He was a French fighter pilot ace and innovator in World War I, who was shot down and killed in 1918 at the age of 29.
Reader Howie Siegel points out that the Texas Rangers have a mental strength coach in Hannah Huisman, “which makes you wonder if MIT even has a weight room.”
