Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column.Have a question for Care and Feeding?Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
After five long years of trying and various fertility treatments, my wife and I are thrilled to be expecting. It’s just wonderful. However, I can’t shake my anxiety about setting boundaries with her parents. They are generous and really love my wife, but they drink excessively and irresponsibly. In our 15 years together, I can’t recall ever having a meal with them without alcohol involved. There have been occasions when they’ve gotten so drunk they’ve hurt themselves or made inappropriate comments.
I realize they wouldn’t be suitable for babysitting, but they love to travel with us, and I just can’t imagine doing that with a baby or toddler along. I won’t hire a babysitter just so we can enjoy a two-hour dinner filled with wine and cocktails. My wife sometimes drinks heavily with them, but I think it’s mostly to keep the peace. How can I bring this up with her without it seeming like I’m judging or being harsh about her parents? It feels essential to establish some clear boundaries before the baby arrives.
—No Drunk Grandparents
Dear No Drunk Grandparents,
This is indeed a delicate situation with your in-laws! It’s great that you’re addressing this now—you’re already thinking like a parent.
Before discussing things with your wife, consider the role of alcohol in your lives and how you think it might need to shift. You don’t mention how you drink. Do you drink? Any heavy drinking? What kind of drinking, if any, feels acceptable around the baby? Get a clear sense of what’s okay and what isn’t—maybe it’s that you don’t want any at all.
Also, think about your wife’s parents and what’s realistic. Are they even sober at any point? Would you trust them with the baby if they weren’t drinking? Could you envision traveling with them under different circumstances, where they promised to drink less or not until after you and the baby had gone to bed?
Once you have a clearer understanding of your thoughts, bring it up with your wife. Let her know you’re concerned about how alcohol will factor into your lives post-baby, especially regarding her parents. She might have already considered this—perhaps she has ideas about how to handle it. Discuss what her ideal time with her parents looks like after the baby arrives, and see if she thinks that’s feasible.
After you both decide what kind of drinking is okay or not acceptable, discuss how you’ll enforce those boundaries with her parents. With people who have drinking issues, sometimes the boundaries need to be explicit—like, we can’t be with you while you’re drinking. Other times, it may be quieter, like making excuses when invited on trips. Follow your wife’s lead on this. Good luck.
—Logan
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