How to Do It is a column offering sex advice.Got a question?Send it anonymously to Jessica and Rich.
Dear How to Do It,
My husband and I have been married for seven years, and together for a decade. However, he experiences a very peculiar issue whenever he interacts with his mother.
Whenever he talks to or sees her, he can’t maintain an erection for the rest of the day. I’ve always found this a rather strange quirk, but now it’s a bigger concern since black mold was found in his parents’ home. They’ll be staying with us until it’s completely cleared out, which might take a month or longer. I’m really unsure about going without sex for that long! Is there a way to address this?
—Mommy Issues
Jessica Stoya: I typically avoid judging people for delaying action on issues, but it seems like your husband’s erectile dysfunction related to his mother will need considerable therapy. It would have been wise to suggest he seek help long ago.
Did you ever ask him what’s going on? When did this start?
Rich Juzwiak: Exactly, when did it begin? If it’s always been present, he probably wasn’t masturbating much as a teen living at home. I certainly have more questions for him. This definitely seems like something worth discussing with a professional.
Jessica: The resolution won’t likely happen in just over a month, right? Plus, I doubt he can get into therapy that quickly these days in the U.S.
Rich: A long-term solution is needed. This issue has a temporary timeframe. Sure, having to go without sex for a month is frustrating, but it’s manageable. You won’t starve without it; there are ways to cope. Even if you have to interact with his mom during this period, it’s just a phase. I find it tough to sympathize completely; it is a serious concern, but remember, there will be more days for intimacy ahead.
Jessica: I can relate, but I see it as more of an inconvenience. An erection doesn’t define partnered sexual experiences.
Rich: That’s definitely true.
Jessica: Many couples enjoy fulfilling sexual connections without relying on any erections. Some partners choose to engage in intimacy without necessary involvement from the penis at all. So, there are plenty of options—just get a little creative. I understand you’ll miss that, but you’ll be fine. If he believes that hard means sex is off the table, remember you have your hands and other options. Sex toys and imagination are great tools!
Rich: I wonder what steps the husband has taken to deal with this. Has he tried medications like PDE5 inhibitors? Perhaps using a cock ring? Sometimes a little extra support helps shift the mindset. Once he realizes he can overcome it medically, the psychological barrier might ease up. I’m curious about how much he’s worked through this issue.
Jessica: That’s a valid point. Consider this: “I don’t think I can go without sex that long!” What role does sex play in your life that could be fulfilled through other activities?
Rich: Is it stress relief? There are alternatives—exercise, volunteering. If boredom is the issue, there are countless shows and books. And if the desire is strong, either of you could masturbate together. Try different approaches for a while! This isn’t a scenario where discreetness is a problem with his parents around. There’s room to explore new dynamics.
Just hang in there! Hopefully, it’s only a month. It might be tough now, but it’ll pass pretty quickly.
More Advice From Slate
I’m a heterosexual male in my mid-30s who got divorced last year from my only sexual partner. I dove back into dating and met someone I really like. Before we had sex, we agreed on not using condoms due to my sterility. However, things took an unexpected turn during intimacy when I accidentally ejaculated inside her.
