WIs it really so? A press conference was also held in a hurry on government grounds, but it was a political broadcast from a third-rate political party. There used to be such a rule. Not that it did much good for Rishi Sunak. More of these nasty, groan-filled outings will continue, and the Conservative Party's reputation will continue to fall even lower.
The good thing is that it was short and sweet. If I had blinked, I would have missed the opening scream. It's all done and dusted in less than 3 minutes. It's still three minutes of our lives, but we'll never go back.
Perhaps I should have been grateful that I once again refused to let the sketch writers go to see Downing Street in person. I don't even get an email reply explaining why. This is becoming a habit. Sunak even tried to exclude me from speaking at a conference in Manchester. For a prime minister who claims to convey the democratic will of the people (more on that later), it is true that he dislikes being held accountable in any form. Perhaps he should try to actually get elected himself someday.
The morning after the night before. After spending the past three days like Sunak, most of us would have wanted to curl up under the duvet and not go outside.
The party went into war with itself shortly after self-proclaimed election guru Isaac Levido told Conservative MPs to unite or face annihilation. Right-wing versus far-right. The only reason the Rwanda Bill was passed was because at the last minute the Conservative Party concluded they wanted Rwanda to end later, not sooner. Victory has never been so empty.
Then there was the latest poll. Mr Sunak's Conservative Party was 27 points behind Labor. It's the same gap Liz Truss had after dynamite the economy. Imagine it being that bad. It was met with disbelief. And Lish! It was supposed to be a safe pair. A technical companion who can manage the decline of the party. Well, he too is officially less popular and less effective than lettuce. That's some accomplishment. Borderline heroic.
But for Sunaku, the passage of the third reading of the Rwanda Bill was not just a small humiliation in a long line of other humiliations. It was a triumph of will. Rather a cold and broken hallelujah. We've come this far. The Prime Minister, who holds a majority, feels the need to declare victory simply because fewer MPs than expected rebelled. Everyone praises the brave Lee Anderson who abstained because opposition MPs might have laughed at him. Will there be more press conferences every time the government wins a vote? It can get very messy.
Lish! He ran up to the podium. They are trying to appear authoritative and not just poor. It's tough. No one, not even his family, sees him as anything more than an interim prime minister. We just have to get through the next few months so he doesn't cause any more damage to the country.
“The Conservative Party is united,” he said unconvincingly. Well…if you say so. Although it's only to protect yourself. It's not because I think the Rwanda bill is workable. Half of the Conservative Party is appalled by how far the party has gone in its willingness to ignore international law. The other half feel they haven't gone far enough yet. And then there are halfwits like Therese Coffey. People who still can't find Rwanda on the map. She's just her 30p Kiga Lee.
Move on. Sending refugees to Rwanda was the “will of the people.'' The last refuge of a half-hearted populist who has lost his way. To summarize the main points. The Rwanda plan was simply conceived as a diversion to get Boris Johnson out of the hole in the party gates. It was never meant to be implemented.
Hell, even Rwanda doesn't want to be involved anymore, and they've used up £400 million of our funding. Even Sunak and Cleverley don't believe it will work. Citizens are not given the right to speak. And if you're worried about immigration, why not start with the 700,000 people the Conservatives have legally allowed into the country? It would be much better to pick up the 30,000 refugees arriving in small boats.
Then to the core part. Unelected Lords should not be allowed to hold bills. That probably includes Sir Big Dave. This is a foreign minister for whom we are not responsible. But no, lords should not be allowed to do the work of trying to improve bad laws. Because it's much better to have crappy laws than to allow other people to be crappy. In any case, the government will ignore what the lord says, so why not get down to business? By this logic, we might all just give up. Hell, we all die someday. So why not now?
“Labor…no plan…from the beginning,” Sunak muttered madly. It's now auto-repeat. We could have heard the automated Maybot whine. At Downing Street he is sure to still have his Amstrad malware from the 1980s in storage. That was outrageous. Labor has a lot of plans. After all, it's Lish! I know that. Starmer went on and on about his mission. You may not like them, but they exist. However, Sunak cannot bear this reality. So he invents his own fantasies and tries to persuade us to join his fantasies. He's like a teenager who played his PlayStation for too long. What about Square One? Give it to me, give it to me, give it to me. Whatever it is, it has to be better than where we are. Square minus 3?
When he moved on to questions, Lish! It's getting more and more troublesome. He always is. He just doesn't like being challenged. Breakfast with him would be hell. “Can you give me some milk?'' “Why should I do it? What can you do for me? How would you like to thank me?'' He said that, and everything was fine. Why did he need to repeat himself? Journalists should learn to listen properly and shut up.
“Our plan worked,” he exclaimed in a nasally mosquito-like voice. “Albania…” Could someone spell that out for him? Is he intentionally stupid? Sending Albanians back to Albania is not the same as sending Afghans to Rwanda. Furthermore, the Supreme Court stated that Rwanda is not safe. What more do you need? Finding a meek KC who agrees with you, looking for a safe Tory seat, doesn't really work.
But irritation could not hide the truth. That's because when asked directly, he said he could not guarantee that a single refugee would be deported this year. He could not under any circumstances break international law. “It's all the lord's fault,” he said. Understand his excuse early on.
Because deep down he wants the lords to block for as long as possible. And he has an imaginary enemy. Because what would happen if he said one plane took off? The Rwanda plan would be exposed as a sham. Only 100 of the more than 100,000 exiles who came here. For many of them, the government doesn't even know where they are. It's not a deterrent. Ships will continue to come. Perhaps the lords should condemn Sunak's bluff?
