You used to be close – but are you a ‘fringe friend’ now? | Well actually

We are hiding behind the dining table and waiting for the birthday girl to arrive.

The door creaks. “Surprising!” we scream.

As her shock fades, my friend cried out, “I thought the party was tomorrow!”

My heart sinks when I realized that she had planned a separate party of her own — and she hadn't invited me.

Ten years after knowing her, I became her fringe friend – a non-essential companion, “person”I'm always welcome but not invited”, as a fellow Fringe friend says online.

I shouldn't have been so surprised. We've grown apart after living in different cities and our conversations have been bothering and recently forced. But I was stabbed when I realized that she no longer prioritized our relationship like I did because she was still thinking of one of my close friends.

According to friendship experts, being a friend of Fringe is a universal experience. A study of university students found out what the majority of people think Their friendship is mutualBut in reality, it's only about half. Similarly, people long for quality rather than quantity. A survey by the American Friendshion Project found that over 75% of adults were happy with the number of friends they had, but over 40% felt they I wasn't as close to them as they liked.

Dr. Miriam Kilmeyer, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert, says that when you are a friend of Fringe, negative thinking patterns are common. Did I do something wrong? Do I deserve friendship?

“It's important to normalize and validate these feelings,” says Kirmayer. “But on the other hand, I see that a lot of them stem from the misconceptions we have about what we need to feel connected.”

In other words, being a friend of Fringe may have several benefits.

Research shows that dating helps us feel more I'm satisfied with life And protect us Mental and physical health issuesdepression, anxiety, heart disease, etc.

At the same time, social relationships impose norms and expectations that can have opposite effects, says Killmeyer. For example, you might think you need to participate in all group hangs. Alternatively, there is the risk that you will not get another invitation. Or you may agree to the inconvenient requests of your peers, as they know you have their backs.

But these “shoulder, essential, hub toss” are not always accurate, says Kirmayer. Instead, they “enhance the pressure and feelings of guilt and shame when we feel like we are not measuring or acting in the way we are expected.”

The first advantage of being a friend of Fringe: You can't see in anyone's expectations.

“You don't need to be on someone's hand beck and call because you know you're not their go-to person.” Dr. Irene Levinepsychologist, friendship expert and author of Best Friends Forever: Survive the farewell with your best friend. “It's nice that you're not dependent on someone else. You don't feel like you're rejecting someone.”

Includes new hobbies, self-care routines and family relationships, Levine also gives you space and time to invest in other areas of your life by embracing your fringe friendship days.

Meg Foster, a 22-year-old theology alumnus from Austin, Texas, had her own epiphany when someone approaching high school about three years ago “forgets” to invite her to mutual best surprise engagement parties. (They were both bridesmaids at the wedding…it's annoying.)

This experience gave me the time and confidence to try new things: pottery, crocheting, cycling, and making bread from scratch. She was also not afraid to be judged by either of them. “Anonymity has a lot of freedom,” she says.

As long as you're not abused, being a friend of Fringe is totally problematic and uniform Daniel Bayard Jacksona relational health educator and author who fights for our friendship. But be aware that you will use your fringe friend status to retreat to yourself, she says. Time alone can be healthy, but too much will make you feel sick.

Recognizing emotional and physical distance from others can help you look back at what you want and need from friendship, says Kirmayer. Do you spend your time in a space that feels nourishing and meaningful? Do you feel comfortable talking to others about yourself? Do you long for emotional intimacy and shared experiences?

This information will help you diversify your social relationships, says Kirmayer. This is a relatively easy way to meet a variety of people who could potentially turn into close friends.

Research suggests that people with more fringe friends – sociologists refer to them as “weak bonds” – I feel happier and more connected More than those few.

“One thing I hear is the deep desire and deep belief that we need a best friend or a group of friends. It can be a source of motivation, but it can also be a source of shame and disappointment. The truth is that we can benefit from having all sorts of connections and friendships in our lives, and we cannot fulfill every connection.

“Finding a micro-community will help you not only take advantage of the specific connectivity needs you have, but also the specific experiences you may share,” says Kirmayer. For example, support groups can help people deal with chronic illnesses and the death of loved ones. You're really connected to others who don't fear judgment, she says.

This means it's worth asking the barista about their weekend plans or finally getting to know their neighbors (and potentially nasty). In fact, research shows conversations with strangers There's a tendency to be more fun More than people expect.

“These weak bonds help us deal with different types of loneliness,” says Kilmeyer. “It may not be intimate and diversity of relationships, but it may be like community loneliness. It feels like we are part of a larger community.”

tThe hat said, balance is important. Finding and cultivating deeper, interconnectedness is important to your well-being, says Kilmeyer. These more intimate relationships provide stronger emotional support, meet our innate needs, and feel competent and included, and are our primary sources Overall happinessstudies suggest.

That's easier than that. But accepting the vulnerability that comes with getting close to others reveals that most people are open to it, says Kirmayer.

That doesn't mean you have to abandon your friendship along the way, Jackson says. Those who are not your best friends can bring value and joy to your life.

If you realize that certain ties are no longer mutual, then that can be difficult. But it doesn't have to be that way forever.

“We often see the Fringe experience as the final point of friendship and believe the misconception that it is where we stay,” says Killmeyer. “But that's really the next step to building closeness. So, rather than looking at this as the end, can you see it as the beginning?”