Dear Prudence

A week ago, I discovered that my 35-year-old son donated sperm to a lesbian couple he knows, and they’ve just had a baby girl.

This was completely unexpected, given that he’s not married and hasn’t shown any desire to be a parent. I often think about not having grandchildren since he’s my only child, so this news hit me quite hard. Would it be alright for me to reach out to this couple to see if I can be a part of my granddaughter’s life?

—Grandma From Afar

Dear Grandma From Afar,

You can certainly try contacting them, but only after discussing it with your son. Ask him to see if the mothers are open to the idea of you being involved as an extra grandmother. There’s a chance they might be receptive to this, and if so, it could be a wonderful situation. A lot of parents appreciate having more caring adults around for their kids. But if you all decide to nurture this relationship, it’s crucial to be clear about what everyone’s roles will be. You’re not looking to become authoritative just because of your biological link. There are other matters to consider as well: What do you want to be called? How frequently do they envision communicating with you? Are they okay with receiving advice on parenting issues? Are you planning on visiting when it suits you or being there for the harder moments in child-rearing?

But remember, there’s a significant possibility they may not be interested. Be ready for a “No, thank you.” That could sting, especially since you were hoping to have a grandchild. It’s essential to think about how you’ll deal with those emotions to protect both yourself and your relationship with your son.

If this doesn’t pan out, there are still avenues you could explore. Consider joining groups that connect families without local grandparents with individuals willing to step into that role. Alternatively, you could volunteer with children. Just because your son chose to remain child-free doesn’t mean you can’t share your nurturing side. Find a way to bond with a child that can provide you joy, even if it’s not through a biological connection.

Lastly, ensure that you don’t make your son feel guilty if things don’t unfold the way you’d like. Perhaps, in the meantime, invest in strengthening your relationship with him. Reflect on how, while raising him, your focus might have been on immediate tasks rather than nurturing your bond. Now is the time to enjoy his adult self. It’s interesting that he didn’t share his decision to donate sperm until after the baby was born. Maybe there’s an opportunity for you to express more curiosity about his life, be a supportive listener, and have some light-hearted moments together. While it’s not the same as snuggling a newborn, spending quality time with your son can still bring unexpected happiness.

Classic Prudie

My boyfriend and I recently took a six-week break so he could address personal matters and consider if he wants to move forward with marriage. In earlier discussions, we talked about the challenges of sexual fidelity, and I mentioned that I would be okay with him having a brief encounter with someone else once every few years. Well, during our break, he actually did just that.